Office Redecorating and Little Bits

Phew, OK, so Wednesday afternoon and pretty much all of my day on Thursday was spent sorting out the Amnesty office with Jade. We've taken down all of the posters (it's likely to be used for exams so we'd have had to rush to take all of them down - there were LOADS of them) and got some drawers in to create space on the floor and clear the two spare chairs in there...it looks a bit neater now and we now know where everything is...yay :)

I love working with Jade already, we just seem to bounce off eachother and our ideas some out of nowhere but they've so far been working alright. We've already sorted out what we want to do for the rest of the year and we're trialling another idea already. It's a relief to have it all at least planned so now we only need one meeting before study leave and won't have to do anything else until after then.

I spent all of my day yesterday watching the Royal Wedding...I mean, I didn't intend to at all, I thought I'd probably hate it. Wow, how wrong was I? It got better when my mum came home and I was no longer the only female in the house though, haha :) 

Jewellery post tomorrow, I promise, right after I do my Psychology homework.

Besos ♥
Rachel

Growth

Today was Adam and Jonathan's last day in the Amnesty Group. It was also the day that Jade and I took over as Vice President and President respectively. The cool part is that I now have an office (haha, 17 and I have an office, what is that?!) and somewhere to go and do my organising instead of having to do it all at home because I hate college with a passion...

But, in all honesty, I feel really bad that Adam and Jonathan have had to give their roles up (they leave this year for university) because it feels like it was hard for them to do. It's hard to be excited about something when other people feel sad about the very same thing.

I'm just glad that I'll be working with Jade, we work well together and we have a laugh, and it's so rare that I get that these days. 

Today was also the college magazine deadline. We have been fully approved to go to print. Woooo! Sophie and I were so happy to get it finished. The Principal loved it and emailed us back today, which was pretty awesome because she's always so busy and never has time to email back (still waiting to find out something about Children in Need...which was in November).

However, at the end of the day, the handover of roles is a positive thing, it will allow the group to grow and I'll remind myself of this next year when I have to hand my role over to someone else. I remember from school newspaper how hard it is to hand over something you care about so much, which is probably why I completely get why it must've been an odd day for them both. 

Tomorrow is 'office sort out day' - Jade and I have tons of stuff to go through and look at...fun fun fun! We had to bin quite a lot of cardboard boxes earlier (don't worry, it was a recycle bin...) because they were taking up that much room in the office. Neither of us like mess. Two OCD about how tidy a room is people sharing an office? Yeah, it'll be interesting. Then I have a lovely, long, 4 day weekend on my hands. Can't wait.

Besos ♥
Rachel 

Some Quick Words

Still no jewellery tutorial as I literally just don't have time right now, hopefully this weekend...

Tomorrow is the Amnesty Group election. I'm running for President, kind of. There are only two of us running, so I'll be either President or Vice/Secretary. I still have to do a speech and then Jade and I (Jade is the other girl running, who is lovely and also going to Poland, wooo!) are going to do two other little speeches as part of a surprise :)

I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow, it's the election and then literally STRAIGHT after, college magazine deadline and handover of first issue to Pauline, the Principal. Yes, I'm terrified about tomorrow to be honest. The magazine is looking awesome right now though, we've only got two pages to finish and it's gonna be good :)

Now, I'm off to listen to some Jack Johnson and chill out a bit, I need it after today...

Besos ♥
Rachel 

Product Reviews - Babbel, Language Master, Lingopal

Quick unrelated note before I begin: jewellery tutorial is coming tonight. Couldn't upload pics last night, but I will tonight.

Right, I thought seen as I talk about learning languages a lot on here I'd do a few quick reviews of some of the software I use. The three products I've chosen to review today are all for the iPod/iPhone/possibly for the iPad...never checked to be honest (not that 'up' on technology...) - they can be purchased from the App Store. 

If you don't fancy reading all of this long post...just scroll down to the product you're most interested in:

1) Babbel

2) Language Master

3) Lingopal

My iPod Touch is seriously littered with language apps... I have to put them into different categories to figure out where they are, I have that many. As you can see, I have individual categories for Croatian, French, Greek, Spanish and Swedish, one category for World Nomads apps, and then two extras for random language apps that I either currently use or have used previously. Or if they're free, I usually download them to see what the software's like...

Babbel - Swedish Mobile

First up, Babbel, I downloaded this when I started trying to teach myself Swedish. I was instantly impressed by the volume of vocabulary on there. You can also sign up to have a personal vocab 'Review Manager' by registering an account with Babbel. This also means you can access language courses on the website too. 

If you go to the 'Vocabulary' section, you can access a heck of a lot of vocab, I like to compare it to a languages textbook, it's broken into useful sections. I spent a while studying the Education topic, and it's very detailed. It could have featured more school subjects, but overall it was quite impressive. Each word comes with audio, so you can hear and copy the pronunciation.

Available for download from the app store, this Babbel language app really impressed me. I also downloaded it in French for my trip to France in the summer, the vocab is detailed enough for it to seem like it might be of use to me.

Best of all? This app is FREE. Yes, you read that correctly, free. You can download Babbel apps in:

Spanish, French, German, Swedish, Portuguese and Italian, as well as an English one (for Spanish speakers). Overall, I was really impressed with this app, and the 'school style' way of categorising the topics seems to be an effective way of breaking down the vocab to make it manageable.

Language Master - Swedish

Second up, Language Master Swedish, by Hooray LLC. This app is also available in Polish, Western Europe (French, German, Greek, Italian and Spanish), Mandarin, Russian, Eastern Europe (Polish, Czech, Hungarian, Croatian and Romanian), Swedish, Finnish, Italian and French. These each cost a mere 59p.

What I love about this app is how you feel like you're actively learning the vocab as you 'play' the games. You get shown pictures with the vocab, three at a time, and then have to match up the vocab you're given to the correct picture. When you've filled the whole board, you move onto the next level. It's a pretty basic way of learning random vocab, well, mainly random vocab, but it seems to work quite well. This app really needs to be used alongside others that teach you actual sentences and questions, but overall it's quite impressive. When you get past the welcome screen, the layout is quite sophisticated in comparison to a lot of language apps and it's easy to use, follow and understand. 

Lingopal

Finally, Lingopal. There are two sorts of apps available - free 'LITE' versions (greetings and flirting only), and the full versions that cost 59p. I have three full versions, and 6 LITE. There are a few obvious flaws with the LITE versions, audio doesn't work on a few of them which kind of defies the whole point. Unlike the previous two apps I've reviewed today, Lingopal is more of a phrasebook than an active learning app.

I opened up my Croatian app for this review (full version). The layout of the app is simple and easy to use, it doesn't look tacky in the same way that other apps do. A lot of the app is made up of flirting or insult categories, which is perhaps more useful for friendly conversation, though I'm struggling to imagine a situation that needs the phrase ''does this taste like Rohypnol to you?'' when on your holidays. Might just be me though...

 

When the audio works, it's helpful, especially on apps such as Estonian when you really can't work out the pronunciation on your own. It's also a big help on this Croatian version, as the pronunciation isn't tricky to try and work out, but you can often get it wrong.

The insults and flirting sections will give you a good laugh, if they do nothing else. ''I need to go back home and turn my kettle off" and "Can I flirt with you?" I'm pretty sure aren't generally used in any conversation, but it's fun saying them to your friends as a joke, I guess.

This app is available in 44 languages and a few different formats: Cantonese, Tagalog, Swedish, Mandarin, Slovak, Polish, Italian, Korean, Turkish, all 44, Thai, Portuguese (Brazilian), Hungarian, Bulgarian, Afrikaans, French, Norwegian, Greek, Bengali, Lithuanian, Spanish, Icelandic, German, Danish, Arabic, Japanese, Dutch, Latvian, Russian, Voyage app, Vietnamese, Czech, Romanian, Croatia, Estonian, Hindi, Serbian, Hebrew, Portuguese, Finnish, English, Malay, Slovene, Indonesian, FLIRTA and Ukrainian

If you have any questions or suggestions of language apps, leave me a comment :)

Besos ♥
Rachel 

Busy

Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about the jewellery tutorial, it's coming tomorrow :) I just wanted to check in while I have a bit of free time tonight.

Tuesday was spent revising Spanish all day, ending with a trip into college for my 20 minute speaking session. Eurgh. I also had the privilege of sitting in my dad's office for a few hours as he was my only way of getting home. It's a good job the only two other people in there were my Uncle Andrew and my Auntie Jude. Could've been worse, we laughed at how many slack employees they have.

Yesterday was spent mainly in bed, shamefully. I didn't do much in the afternoon then in the evening I did some Psychology revision. My Psychology revision timetable is going well. I still have 5 hours to get done before Tuesday, but I'm working towards it.

Then today was spent shopping where I picked up a beautiful tiny chest of drawers from Home Sense. They had loads of chests like this  with different wood colours or drawer patterns, mine cost £20, the most expensive was £30. I love it because it looks, to me, really Mexican-ish and Hispanic. Perfect if you're someone like me :) I want to redecorate my room this summer (it's so babyish and dull at the moment...and too pink. Bleh) and these have given me a little idea of what I want it to look like, I'm definitely going for that brown, earthy feel but I want to get some colour a bit like these drawers have. It's going to take forever to choose everything though, I don't have much money with which I can redecorate, haha :)

This evening was filled with a nice little drive as part of my driving practice and then I've been emailing and Facebook messaging people from two different college groups this evening coordinating stuff and generally getting organised. Thank God I have a decent planner now! Next Wednesday is known as Amnesty Group election day at the moment, and I'm running/it seems I'm likely to get a role...if not the main role...so the Vice President keeps filling me in on different things. I've also been messaging the college magazine's editor, Sophie, about everything that needs doing. I feel a bit like I've taken charge of it to be honest :/ But I'm the only one that can properly use InDesign, so while we've been putting it together, I suppose I've had to. Our deadline is next Wednesday, and our to-do list is stupidly long. Ah well, it'll get sorted. Next Wednesday is going to be a busy day for me...Amnesty election over lunch and magazine issue handover during workshop afterwards. I'll just have to sleep through Psychology period 6, 'cause I won't be getting sleep in the few days before, I can guarantee it!

Right, back tomorrow with the jewellery tutorials. I can't do a bracelet one as I'm all out of elastic, I'll get that done when I get chance to stock up :)

Besos ♥
Rachel 

PS: I have been really loving Didrik Solli-Tangen's Guilty Pleasures album today. Best Kept Secret and Your Song are so catchy :)

Jewellery #2

Morning everyone :) It's so nice being able to blog during the day rather than last thing at night :) Anyway, here's the second installment of my jewellery making posts.

Firstly, here's the neck shot of the 'college' necklace I posted about yesterday. I took this just to show you the length of the chain mainly. I chose to wear my Russian style shirt today, and it's red, so the necklace matches it, though it still looks fine and nice with clothes that aren't red or don't have red on them. I might stay away from green clothes though... ;)

The pendant hangs really nicely, unlike sometimes when the jump rings get caught around the chain and the pendant can't move about. There's nothing worse than getting the pendant stuck halfway round your neck and not being able to move it...

Right. Now onto today's post. Firstly, a really cool and simple way of making your own rings. Admittedly, I've only done this once, but I'll be making another for when I do my tutorial post. I made this ring about two months ago. I had some Croatian currency left over from my trip and I wanted to get a coin put onto a necklace, but I couldn't figure out how I'd do that. So, instead, it's now on a ring :) It was simple to make, just a ring with a ring back and some superglue et voila :) I don't wear it much, because I don't really wear rings all that much, but I like wearing it when I wear my Greek necklace...

I told you all yesterday about the Greek coins I bought in Yum Yum Beads in Leeds, and this is one of the silver ones (the one you saw yesterday was copper/bronze) - I really don't know why I made this to be honest. Like with the charm bracelet, I think it was because I was trying to teach myself basic Greek. 

I wore this necklace every day all the way through my GCSE exams, I think I got a bit superstitious about it to be honest. Anyway, I added some little seed beads in the colours of the Greek flag as well as the little pottery bead. This also sits really well around the neck when worn, and I love it although it's probably not to everybody's tastes. I absolutely love jewellery that's themed around different languages, countries or cultures, and this is one of my favourites...

This necklace is another that I made and absolutely LOVE. The charm/pendant is from My Vintage Charms and is so cute :) It's also perfect for me because of all of the languages on it. I think I wore this to my GCSE Spanish oral because it says good luck in Spanish on it, haha :) 

I put this on a longer chain, so it reaches my stomach, it would probably look really out of place and odd on a shorter chain that is higher up...plus this way I can still wear a shorter necklace with it too :) Just a little piece of advice: it's important to make sure the chain is strong enough to hold the charm up, this pendant is quite heavy in comparison to others that I've used so I had to use a chain that already had a pendant on it...luckily I never wore it so it wasn't a great loss, haha :)

Right, here is a necklace I really love but never wear. I talked yesterday about taking charms off my Croatia hat, well, this necklace was around the rim of the hat, and I just untied it and it's now a necklace :) 

I never wear it because it never matches anything in my wardrobe, plus I don't want to get it wet because it will take forever to dry again. It has a lot of personal significance, it went up a mountain with me, across the sea, down rivers, down waterfalls, it sat around a campfire with me while the group toasted marshmallows... I probably don't wanna wear it either, because I'm scared of ruining or damaging it. One day I'll pluck up the courage to wear it... haha ;) It does sit nicely around the neck in a circular shape though.

OK, and finally, beads! There are SO many ways of using beads, and these two examples are literally just two, there are tons more that I have done and I might stick a few pictures up on here between this and the tutorial/how-to post to demonstrate. 

The first bracelet you can see is made on Peruvian leather, purchased from Quipu Crafts in Weymouth. The umbrella, love heart, clover and dash beads are also all from Quipu and are genuine Peruvian beads. I spent hours in that shop, and trust me, it's not very big :) I made a few bracelets like this and, as you may remember from yesterday's post, the second of my Croatian heart charms is on this bracelet too :)

The second bunch of bracelets relate to this post. I wear the 'Jayus' one every day (usually, I'm not wearing it today though) - and the other two are cool words that I like. I'm posting about these because they're just beaded bracelets
made on elastic, the other simple way of making bracelets. The alphabet beads are from Hobbycraft - made by Beads Unlimited - while the remaining beads are pretty much all from Yum Yum Beads, a few I'll have taken off other bracelets and used on here but most are YYB ones.

It may be a few days before the tutorial/how-to jewellery making guide, I'm going to make some new pieces and get photographs, but it'll obviously take a while if I'm making everything from scratch. If you have any questions or suggestions, feel free to leave a comment :)

Besos ♥
Rachel 

Jewellery #1

I've been feeling pretty crafty recently, and my jewellery making box has been out quite a few times. The aim here is to do a series based on different jewellery making areas. I'm going to do about 3 posts, two of which are purely different examples of jewellery I've made or customised, then the 3rd will be a how-to guide with step-by-step instructions and lots of pictures because trust me, it's fiddly business! :) There are quite a few pictures, and I'm going to apologise in advance for how awful the Blogger border is...

Today's topic is my absolute favourite...jewellery :)

I love to make my own jewellery, I've done it for a good few years now, and I've slowly built up my ability over time. At first, I used to make tiny little beaded bracelets, but now I'm working mainly with actual chains, rings/ringbacks and charm bracelets. Since the new ID card system was introduced at my college where we all have to wear our ID cards every day now, I haven't really been able to wear necklaces to college at all - they get caught around the lanyard, bash against the ID card all day, get tangled around the badges on the lanyard, the list could go on. So, I sat down on Saturday(?) with my pendants and chains and tried to come up with something simple yet pretty that I could wear to college everyday that would a) look good and b) be practical (i.e. not get stuck around my lanyard!)

The necklace on the left is, pretty obviously, not intended for college wear (it's too long, booo!) - the gorgeous charm on it was actually originally on a charm bracelet my lovely friend Keyana bought me for my birthday from Claire's Accessories. The charm bracelet was so pretty, but it was too heavy and chunky for my wrist :( So, because it would've been stupid to waste the charms, I saved the bracelet itself (I may be able to use it for a friend who can wear heavier bracelets) and took all the charms off. One of them went on a bracelet I made for my awesome friend Fern. Anyway, this little metal tassel was on the bracelet and now makes this pretty little necklace.

Onto the second one, this is the one I wanted that I can wear every day. It fits the specification I set myself perfectly, I wanted something pretty understated but also a little glam. The red bead is actually a real Swarovski Crystal bead, they can be bought for decent prices in craft shops etc, but I got mine from Yum Yum Beads in Leeds (they also have a shop somewhere in France, I believe...further searching has just shown that it's also SO in the same place as where I'm going this summer...yes!). I bought a few colours, actually, but red is one of my favourite colours so I went for that. The chain is actually very short, so it sits nicely around my neck (I'll try and get some shots of them on to demonstrate). I'm looking forward to showing this one off :)

Next up: my charm bracelet. It hasn't had anything added to it or taken off it since about August, which is actually quite good for me. I think I've finally got it to the 'standard' I want it at, a lot of it means something to me, but some things on it were just put on for their beauty :) Haha. The bracelet was originally an Accessorize one, I think, it was a pretty horrible bracelet overall although the middle charm ('Believe' in a circle) was on it...the only decent charm on it unfortunately. There was a tacky, fake engagement ring...yuck.

Starting from the left hand side... the coin you can see is a Greek coin I believe. This was also purchased in Yum Yum Beads. They had these bronze/copper ones and some silver ones as well, I bought two of each. I'm glad I did, they don't sell them anymore :( Anyway, when I purchased them I was trying to learn Greek. One of the silver ones makes up one of my favourite necklaces, something that will also go in another post if I can do that. The colourful charm second in from the left is a 'Día de los Muertos' style skull, I took this from a cheap necklace in an Accessorize sale - it's mainly on there for the colour. Third in is a little fish charm, I put this on because at the time, I was studying for my GCSE Food Tech exam that was all about fish. It always reminds me of my friend, Fern, because we were in that class together and Food Tech was kind of like 'our thing' that we did together in school. Next up we have an Eiffel Tower charm, just because it has obvious travel connotations. Then, we have a globe, also taken from an Accessorize bracelet. After that we have another Yum Yum Beads (from now on known as YYB) purchase, a cute little hand saying 'Hand Made'. The middle charm was mainly put on because it always reminds me of Dima Bilan's winning ESC entry, Believe. At the time, the lyrics of that really inspired me and I only wanted the bracelet it came from originally for that charm. After that we have some little other 'Día de los Muertos' themed charms in a bunch, again, just for the colour. Next, we have a fake 'Ceska Republika' coin, it's plastic, but I have a thing for foreign currency, I genuinely collect it. This is followed by a little YYB key, it has personal reasons, again linked to my friend Fern. Finally we have the most special charm of all - it was, bizarrely, taken from an Accessorize straw hat. It was on the hat I took to Croatia last year and the hat was in such a bad state when I got home that we had to throw it away :( We took the charms off and I got two little hearts - one of which is on this :) The rest of the charms are on something else that's pretty special and will definitely be going in the next jewellery post I do.

So, there we have it, what I call 'proper' jewellery. Next time, I'll be showing you rings, a few other necklaces (don't worry, it'll be shorter than this post!) and how to have fun with beads :)

Besos ♥
Rachel 

We Are Okay/You Are Good Enough

As with every time I do a post on here, I checked by Blogger Stats last night - I usually do it just to see if I have any comments, but last night I flicked through all of the tabs. The traffic sources really caught my attention yesterday. Without saying on here exactly what some people searched in order to find my blog, the searches that led them here made me realise one thing: I'm not alone in feeling like I'm not good enough, like I don't really have a voice etc.

I just wanted to do a little post today as reassurance to those people that did find my blog from those searches. I can only assume that those people are all teenagers/young, mainly because I never really imagine adults searching for things like that and then reading my blog... so I just want to say to all of those people that feel like they're not good enough: you are good enough.

It's OK to feel like you've failed sometimes, because if we never fail at something then we'll never learn from things and grow and progress. It's OK to want to improve things about yourself, because it shows that you're conscious about how other people view you, but sometimes it's better to know that nobody is perfect and that you really are good enough as you are.

You see, if you spend your life trying to please or impress people to feel like you fit or like you're good enough to be around them, the only person you're letting down is yourself. I sometimes still wonder how I managed to get out of the very oppressive friendship group I used to have and find at least a group of friends who don't pressure me into doing stupid things that I shouldn't be doing, but I did. You have to make your own opportunities to be heard and make yourself known, get involved with things, groups in school/college, groups out of school/college. Find something you like and the people that are part of that group will instantly have something in common with you.

Start a blog up, even, one of the main reasons I've kept up with mine is because it's one of the best ways of expressing myself and, in contrary to my blog title, not just be The Quiet One.

This may not be helpful to anybody at all, but I hope that at least one person reads it and feels a little bit uplifted :) 

Besos ♥
Rachel 

"I'll be alright Gonna spread my wings and feel alive I'm gonna make it through, I'm aiming high." - I'll Be Alright - Eric Saade

 

Preparing...

Tomorrow is my Eurovision party :) I've spent the past week rushing about to find and buy foreign food and getting music downloaded, plus getting hold of a DVD (have 2007, yes!)

One of the only things I love about where I live is that we have quite a high population of foreign people living in the area too, specifically people from Poland. On the high street, there are three foreign food shops, which is good news for someone like me hunting down foreign food. I also got hold of some royal wedding themed paper cups and plates with the Union Jack on for us to use...got to get the UK in there somewhere, especially seen as we have an awesome entry this year.

I've just put together the playlist...it has 151 Eurovision/European songs on it, and would last for over 8 hours if necessary. Oops. It's not going to be needed for that long. Never mind, people can pick and choose from all of the music if they want.

I had to force myself to do some Psychology revision earlier, I didn't do much at all, but I'm beginning to work through my revision checklist for the exam. I have until June 7th, can't be that bad (don't hold me to that, OK?) - at least I can tell my teacher I've made a checklist and done part of it if he quizzes me on revision after the holidays...

I'm also really loving Koit Toome's 'Kaugele siit' album today. It's one of my 'bus safe' albums, I can listen to it on the bus safe in the knowledge that nobody can judge me for listening to it because nobody will know what it's like :) Haha

This is a pretty rubbish post, I'm aware, I've just been so busy that I haven't had time to sit down and do a proper post in a while. I've got some ideas so I'll have a think and normal posting will probably be resumed when I go back to college :)

Finally, please all go follow @thequietoneblog on Twitter for all of my updates etc etc, I used to use it back when the blog had a different name and I've just reactivated it.

Besos ♥
Rachel 

 

Good Enough

Today was just one of those days where nothing gets done, nobody says anything the right way, nobody gets any good news, only bad. 

I'm dealing with a wide range of insecurities at the moment - about myself, my grades, my friends, how people view me, etc etc - and without going into too much detail...there's something that I always do when I feel the most insecure, and it's not that great (don't worry about me, it's not bad in any sense) so I'm trying to stop it. I think I use it as a way of diverting all of me from what's really going on in my life.

Today made me realise that I don't have much control over my own life, way less than I'd like or prefer. I also realised that it's going to be tough to deal with how I react to my insecurities when people in my life are so adamant at constantly dragging them up (mainly without even realising, sometimes without even intending to).

My worst is paranoia. It stems from when I found out the reason why I got put in a different form to my 'best' friends. Even though my closest friend, Fern, is only my friend because we ended up in the same form (instead of me with my 'best' friends), I guess I just can't shake that betrayal, probably mainly because I never got given the chance to face it and tell the person that caused it how much it hurt me. The fall out from this one, pretty stupid, event still affects me even now, when I no longer speak to that person (or if I do, it's about 3 words once a year and they're always perfectly civil and nice). I've forgiven this person completely, but it's my own feelings from it that I can't seem to get over.

I'm going to be honest here, because I just can't be bothered hiding things anymore. My friends at the moment are GREAT at making me paranoid...going off for little 'walks' right after I'm alone with one of them...it's always so obvious that they want to talk about me. Sending odd texts, refusing to let me join in with conversations, being so unaccepting of my opinions, mishearing things followed by getting irate because I've ''offended'' them and then refusing to listen when I say that I didn't actually say what they thought I said, choosing to create arguments instead. Sometimes it's like they just can't be bothered with me, but instead of being honest with me and telling me what I'm doing that they don't like, they just pretend it's all fine and leave me out of things instead. 

In short, I'm fed up of being lonely. If I don't organise something for me and my friends to do, they won't bother, but then they do things in smaller groups amongst themselves. I know that this is a fairly open rant and I'm also aware that some of my friends read this (one in particular, who I really don't want to be offended by any of what I've said) - I'm just sick and tired of always feeling in the background and unliked.

This feeling of being unliked inevitably causes me to drift from my friends a lot, which then makes them think I don't like them, which starts the circle again, but I've been hurt by so many people and I don't know how long I can go on being friends with people that won't be honest with me. Maybe I am just being paranoid, to be honest, I probably am, but if I am...why go around whispering things and acting like there's an issue I'm missing. 

But then, arguably, how can I expect my friends to like me when I don't even like myself? I've been that beaten down by people that I don't even view myself as a good or likeable person. And I don't know how to get out of this mess of being insecure and being friends with people that just take advantage of me and my hospitality and willingness to do and arrange things. I don't know how to get out of the cycle of ''friends > lonely > friends > lonely''. Ironically, one of the nicest people towards me is James, who I walk to/from the bus stop with most days (he lives round the corner, literally, from me) - and he constantly takes the mickey out of me and picks at me...but at the same time as me knowing that he's probably just messing about (and the fact that he often ends by making sure I know he's not being serious)...he's at least being honest....and that's missing in so many areas of my life...

I might regret posting this, I might not, but I do know that there's a part of me that feels better for getting it down on paper (well, screen) and there for everybody to see. So here you go people: I'm horribly insecure and even though I pretend everything's alright, it usually and almost always isn't.

Besos ♥
Rachel

Life

I made a bet with myself in the car earlier that I wouldn't be able to think of a better name for this post. I (obviously) won. Go me. Anyway, I couldn't think of a better title because nothing else really fits for what I'm about to say.

Life has been good for the past few days. Friday was spent mainly sitting about in the sun with 'the gang' and then just Keyana, Natalie and Katie, laughing and just being. I then had a surprise visit from my cousin, Becky, which was nice, and then I went out for a meal to celebrate my brother's birthday (a week late, 'cause that's just how he rolls...) On Saturday, I braved a car journey with Becky behind the wheel...clearly I survived :P Joking aside, it all made me realise something: we're growing up.

It's not long ago that we felt SO grown up walking five minutes to my local shop because she wanted a peanut butter Kit Kat (don't even ask...) Now, we're going about places in her car...it doesn't seem like it should be allowed, but it is, and it's just the next chapter in our many varied, unusual outings :) And soon, I'll be able to drive us places too (oh dear...)

It's like I hated college so much because it symbolised growing up, and I didn't feel ready. It's funny how the realisation that it wasn't necessarily a bad thing came totally independently of college. Though, to be honest, college has given Becky and I something to talk about, something that's not just our family, anyway. 

I also did something totally foreign to me for the first time in a long time this evening - I relaxed, properly. I sat down and watched all of Eurovision 2009, and I can tell the difference in how I feel because for once, I'm not itching to get up and do college work.

I'm going to bed now, Jade (Amnesty Group) and I have been planning cool surprises for one of the meetings after Easter...muahahaha ;)

Besos ♥
Rachel

Please Don't Stop the Rain

Yesterday was the two year anniversary of when I went to see James Morrison live at Sheffield Academy, it was also the release date of my absolute favourite song by him - Please Don't Stop the Rain. Me and Beth were about three rows from the stage, yeah, we felt pretty cool. Anyway, I meant to blog about it yesterday but I've only just found time. Anyway, it was one of the best nights of my life. I loved that man so much back then, haha. (Still do, just a bit less than back then 'cause he hasn't released anything in AGES.)

The lyrics to Please Don't Stop the Rain continue to inspire me:
"Let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, please don't stop the rain."


Ugh. I wish I was there now, today was horrible. That is all. I wish things were different, I wish they were less complicated. I wish I just hadn't been in college for yesterday or today, it was awful. Well, everything except my 30/30/A*/full marks Spanish writing mock. YES! My teacher actually came into the room I was working in and went "Rachel, I just want to congratulate you on this writing and your improvement, I can't fault it." I wanted to cry with happiness (a feeling that was unfairly later replaced with wanting to cry with shock/anger).


Anyway, I guess what I want to say about my Spanish is that I know I talk about it a lot, probably way too much, actually. But, and here's the important bit. I got an E in my first listening mock, I got an A* on Monday. I was on a C overall at Christmas, I'm on an A overall now (I think). I couldn't have worked harder or tried to do well in Spanish, and it's all slowly starting to pay off. Moral of the story: in the words of the wonderful Josh Groban, "don't give up, it's just the weight of the world". Other moral of the story: revise in the weirdest ways you can think of, it works :)


Besos ♥
Rachel 

"Nobody knows the price of this dream, nobody knows what it took to believe." - Runaway, Mat Kearney

False Hope

Today was ridiculous. Thoroughly ridiculous. We had the news broken to us in tutor today that the Personal Tutor system is changing next year, and that we're all going to have new forms and form tutors. I wanted to cry. 

It's taken me long enough to settle into the current tutor group I'm in now, to get to know people, to have a friend in there, to be able to talk to my tutor, Tim. I hope I get a decent tutor, there are so many horrific teachers in my college that don't know what they're doing. I'm hoping that I'll know someone in my form, I can't go through what I did with not knowing anyone in my current form again, I just can't.

Amnesty is still doing my head in. I just don't understand what the point in it all is if people in the group are just negative about it and can't be bothered with it anymore. I'm ridiculously pessimistic, but even I can see that the more negative you are, the more unhappy you are...

Miraculously, I got 90% on my Spanish listening mock yesterday, the reading was 65% but I already knew I needed to work on that... I averaged out at a B, and my teacher has now decided I could get an A overall in the exam. I cannot even begin to express how happy that conversation made me. That was the one redeeming part of my day. Ugh.

Besos ♥
Rachel 

Hanging On

College has broken me. I can't even pretend anymore, it has thoroughly broken me. I couldn't put more effort in and I don't get anything out of it at all. Yes, my grades in Spanish are rising, which is great, and yes, my teachers are more than happy with my effort. But I don't get anything out of college, at all. 

I'm only just managing to 'hang on in there' and cope with everything at the moment, and I can feel myself being so close to just snapping and giving in to the pressure on me. My parents were so disappointed with my last report because I'm not achieving As in all of my subjects. I put enough pressure on myself without them adding to it...

Amnesty is winding me up at the moment, it's like everytime I open my inbox there are 50 unread messages related to it, and when I'm just looking for my oral questions from Ester, they're the last things on Earth that I could possibly want to read. I don't want to miss the campaign this week, but at the same time I have things that are, undoubtably, more important to get done, but then if I don't do the things I'm expected to it's awkward.

My English Languages teachers have both managed to make me hate the subject again in the space of three days. One of them because he shouted at me on Friday for absolutely no reason (or if there was a reason, it was his fault) and the other because I have until Thursday to basically re-do my entire piece of coursework because it's 'dense'. Ugh. I'm stressed enough without that to add to my list.

I've tried this weekend to get my revision stuff back on track. I've started making my little flashcards and stuff to stick up around my bedroom and I'm working towards getting this Media paper finished. I need to spend more time on my Psychology but I can't until I buy, yes buy, the revision pack. Nice, I can't do well in my exam unless I buy materials to do so from my teacher. I keep forcing myself to think about Psychology whenever I'm not thinking about anything else, so I suppose it's something. Stress and Social are both clearer to me after last week when I met with Nigel to talk about it all, but I'm still completely overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I have to learn before June 7th. Meh. 

I'm going to go and listen to Josh Groban and pretend it's still winter, listening to him brought me so much comfort over winter...


Besos ♥
Rachel 

42 Days

Yes, as of today, it's only 42 days until ESC 2011 :) This morning, I noticed the album is available for pre-order on iTunes...I'm loving the previews :)

So, to mark today (not that it's that momentous or anything...) here are my top 10 for this year....


10. Greece: Loukas Giorkas feat. Stereo Mike - Watch My Dance 
OK, so you are all officially allowed to call me insane. I don't know why, or how it was possible, but this has grown on me a lot. I don't know whether it's because it's just SO different or because it's got Greek in it, but I like it. It's still the weirdest Greek entry I've ever heard, but for some reason I just seem to like it. 

9. Russia: Alexey Vorobyov - Get You 
Russia's entry last year was weird, it was hideous the year before, I wasn't holding out much hope for this year. It's nice to see that they've gone for something upbeat, the past two years have been so dreary and it was a bit like they were stuck in a rut. This is much faster and a lot less depressing, plus it's catchy. 
8. Croatia: Daria - Celebrate
It sounds like the sort of song I heard in Plodine at Benkovac last summer, so I like it partly for sentimental reasons (even though it didn't exist then, but whatever...) Again, it's upbeat and the lyrics are pretty feelgood ('celebrate' speaks for itself really, doesn't it?)
7. Spain: Lucía Pérez - Que me quiten lo bailao
I still wanted Auryn to win. Brushing that bitterness aside, I do like this song, and Lucía is the strongest of all of the Destino Eurovision contenders. I am biased because I can understand the song, but, again, it's upbeat and it's fun. It's hopefully not going to have the slightly creepy element to it that last year's entry did, though I fear it'll get lost amongst the REALLY strong entries this year.
6. Estonia: Getter Jaani - Rockefeller Street
Oh, I hate that I like this song. There are so many things about it that make me wish I could hate it, there are some seriously dodgy bits and overall, it's probably not all that good. But it's SO damn catchy. I find it going round my head so many times just randomly, ugh. As much as I hate to admit it, I do quite like it, yet at the same time, I do feel like it had the potential to be so much better. Hmm, tricky one.
5. Poland: Magdalena Tul - Jestem
Unlike last year, it's not weird and it sounds a lot more professional than so many of this year's entries. I don't have many reasons for liking this, and I am biased because I'm ridiculously excited about going to Poland in June. 
4. Norway: Stella Mwangi - Haba Haba
Love this song, it's so addictive. It makes me want to dance around like Allez Ola Ole did last year. The recorded version is a bit naff, it loses the 'spark' it has on stage. I love the fact that African influences are so obviously present, it makes it a bit different - something Norway clearly likes as they won with their different entry of Alexander Rybak.
3. United Kingdom: Blue - I Can
Still cannot even express how happy I am that the UK has a good entry this year. I can actually feel proud of my country for something, wow, that makes a change. Anyway, I love this song, again, it's addictive and it's also very catchy. It has the 'we can do it' theme of Jade in 2009, only this time without the obvious attempt at getting votes by including Andrew Lloyd Webber. I really hope the UK gets behind this song and takes it seriously.
2. Sweden: Eric Saade - Popular
Those that know me well will be surprised that this hasn't made 1st place. It's probably joint first place, to be honest, but there's something about my first place song that is just a bit different. Anyway, I love Eric Saade (can't take the guy seriously at all, but love him nonetheless) and I love this song. It's got more international appeal than Manboy did, and after people saw him last year he might me recognised easier. Another that I REALLY hope does well but I'm slightly scared that it probably won't. 
1. Denmark: A Friend In London - New Tomorrow
I adore this song, I really do. Scandinavian countries are always quite strong, and I really wish I knew why... Anyway, I firstly LOVE the lyrics of this song because I can relate to them quite well, secondly, it's such an easy-going song, and it has obvious Britpop influences that I like. I can listen to this song for hours on repeat.


So, there we have it, my top ten. Please feel free to leave your own in the comments, I'm dying to know who features in everybody else's top ten :)


Besos ♥
Rachel 


PS: Happy Birthday to my brother, Daniel, who is 13 today :)
PPS: Apologies about the stupid line spacing, have no idea what that's all about...

Journey

Today, like every other day recently, has been long and tiring. I'm ending it by listening to Jelena Rozga and wondering if I'll ever go back to Croatia (I hope I will).


There was an explosion of some sort (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1372322/Fire-raining-sky-Flames-tower-suburban-street-diesel-tank-explosion.html?ito=feeds-newsxml) near to my college, so both of my journeys to and from college today were redirected...a different way each time. The worst part was that on the way home, I noticed that the 'bus redecoration' has started...and now our college buses have advertisements for the college on them. Eurgh.


Next Friday is the final payment day for Poland, yet another journey that is so close yet so far away. The closer it gets, the more nervous I get about the Auschwitz visit, yet at the same time I think there's probably always going to be a bit of me that will be thankful when it's over - we all know it's not going to be the best day of our lives.

Leaving school is still very much on my mind, as is the fact that it's going to be so strange when some people leave for university this year (mainly Poppy, but it's also weird that Jack and Rachael won't be in Spanish next year too...even though we don't speak much).  


I drove my mum's car for the first time earlier this evening, it was thoroughly terrifying, but I managed to do fairly well considering it was a different car to the one I learn in and the gears were horrible. I can reverse better than driving in a straight line, how on earth does that work?! I have a two hour long lesson tomorrow so it'll be interesting to see how I do in that...


I have actual, proper plans for my Spanish blog - from now on, we're all going to have 'Spanish Friday' :D I'm probably also going to post the English equivalent, so those of you who are bilingual in these two languages will be in for a treat ;) I've been saying I want to do it for a while and I decided last night that I am. I'm obviously going to have to plan them all and stuff, which is why it didn't start this week, but hopefully it'll be a good one for you all next week.

Besos ♥
Rachel