Paradoxical Commandments

I found an edited version of these on a blog I was reading a few days ago, and they really made me think. So I thought I'd just post them on here to, well, make everybody else think too. They're a series of quotes by a man called Dr. Kent Keith. I hope you get something from them like I did...

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

Before I try and briefly explain what they are all pointing towards, what did you think? I believe that the quotes end with something along the lines of:

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

As I quite frequently seem to point out, I'm not religious. However with this series of quotes, I seem to liken 'God' to an inner conscience or something similar - this is due to the fact that each quote seems to be about wrestling with your conscience about doing each of the things mentioned. The message I personally get it basically that only yourself and your conscience count when deciding these things, and that others don't. I'm probably actually way off, but that's just my own personal view of it.

After doing a bit of Googling, I found out that the quotes are about achieveing personal meaning (likened a bit to self-fulfillment and similar concepts). For me, the quotes seem to fit in perfectly with how I've felt many times, particularly how I've felt recently. The idea is that we need to do things to give our own lives meaning too, not just to make someone else happy, help someone else etc. It links in quite well with aspects such as giving lots of money to charity, lots of people do it because they genuinely care, and lots of people also do it for this reason, but also because it gives them a sense of purpose, accomplishment and fulfillment.

At the end of the day, it's not about anybody else and what they get from you, it's about what you get from yourself and how you can improve that if you feel you're not getting enough. What I find ironic is that before I even read these quotes or knew they existed, earlier this year I found myself pretty much telling myself to 'do things anyway' - even though I wasn't sure - because I knew I'd regret it if I didn't.

I know it's hard to literally just follow the 'Paradoxical Commandments', especially at my age when everything is about your peers and how they view you, but wouldn't it be nice if we just could, without any second thoughts?...

All of that almost sounds like an English essay (a very messy one though...), which I suppose is good as it almost counts as revision, as I've been analysing quotes like we're supposed to do in the exam. I'm currently also working on a post that might take me a while to get out, as there are lots of different ways I could go with it and I'm not sure where to go. So bear with me, hopefully it will be a good one :)

Besos ♥
Rachel

The End

Left school today. Cried buckets (probably quite literally) and my emotions are currently all over the place. I have an overpowering sense of emptiness which is hard to deal with, especially when normally the people I'd turn to are those I feel empty about.

This morning was lovely (except the tears in our final assembly...) and it went way too fast. I came home afterwards and just cried and cried because I was just scared. Scared about exams, scared about college, scared about failing, scared about leaving people behind, scared about being forgotten, scared that I hadn't made an impact, scared that I'll never see some of the most inspirational people in the world again. Truth is, I needed to feel that pain, I needed to hurt and realise it.

This evening, a bunch of friends and I went bowling then onto Frankie and Benny's for a meal afterwards. In a ridiculously ironic twist, you'll never guess who was in the restaurant (Bella Italia, in case you were wondering) next door... our Head of Year! It was incredibly strange knowing that whilst we were celebrating the end of our school life, our incredibly inspirational, dedicated and just generally caring Head of Year was accidentally next door. He didn't see us to speak to us or anything, but it was strange.

It did make me think though. Earlier today, I was terrified that I would be leaving that school behind, and I didn't want to. I still don't. But, I'm choosing to believe something: our Head of Year accidentally followed us to the place we chose to celebrate the end of our school life, and somehow, it just makes me feel like no matter what the circumstances are, my school will always be a part of me. Even if I WANT to forget it, even just for a small amount of time, I won't. I like that. It makes me feel much calmer and more at ease with it all.

So, to end, here are two pictures of me with my Head of Year and Form Tutor.

I can't say anything other than that it's been incredible and that I'm going to miss it more than I could ever say. I met so many amazing people and I genuinely felt inspired by many of them too. And even though I called this post ''The End'', it's not - it's the beginning of the rest of my life...

Besos ♥
Rachel

Adios CHS...

It's no secret that I leave school tomorrow, I've been saying it on here for weeks on end now and I still haven't fully come to terms with it. But instead of being deep and meaningful etc etc, I just want to post a few pics that sum up what I have loved about the past five years.

World's most amazing Spanish class during our last lesson
AGUAFIESTAAAAA. We've had lots of laughs over the past
two years and I've loved every minute. Not only that, but I've
found something that I'm genuinely interested in.

Top set English, the most intelligent bunch of people I've
ever known and has been a forum for many interesting
discussions over the past year and a half. Can't say I'll miss
the political debates but I will miss how interesting
everybody is in their own special ways.

Who knew Maths could be so much fun? I certainly didn't
until I got put in a class with a) arguably the best teacher and
b) arguably the best people. Will miss the hilarious
conversations about waxing, general perverted comments
and obviously the chocolate and sweets.

Last but certainly not least, science. These girls (and Miss
Spencer...) have made the past two years so much fun and
I've got to know some absolutely amazing people in that
class. The gossips have been hilarious, the random moments
and special Trish stories will be embedded within my memory
forever. You've been incredible company girls.

And that's it really. Thanks for indulging me in that random moment. My Spanish teacher, Mrs Evison, said something earlier about what I wrote in my card to her ''making it worth it'', which really made me smile. Today was just lighthearted, fun and easygoing, and although the last day is tomorrow, it really felt like everybody just liked eachother no matter what. And part of me believes that they really did. We all shouted ''ADIOS!'' at the end of the lesson which was random and planned by somebody equally as random but somehow it just strikes me as being pretty much the only thing we could have said. No matter which way we look at it, we're leaving, we're going and things aren't ever going to be the same again. So even though it's a little premature, I suppose this post is just basically me saying ''Adios CHS'', a bit like the title...

Besos ♥
Rachel

Vanity

Hola everybody :) It's been a while since my last post and I figured I should probably try and fit one in before my life kind of erupts next Wednesday, especially as I have a busy weekend ahead. Today was my last ever English Literature lesson and we studied a poem called 'Mirror' by Sylvia Plath. I should point out now that I am in no way a fan of hers. As strong as it sounds, she seems to represent many things that I detest about life. That, and the fact that my English teacher seems to only ever show us poems by her - it drives me mad, as I don't particularly think she's a genius or anything. Yes, I really did just say that.

The poem made sense though. My friend Aiden brought up a point that I had been exploring within the bounds of my own mind, however unlike me, he was confident enough to share it with the class (bearing in mind that it's tough to get a word in edgeways in our class as 'class discussion' is pretty much just four people having a conversation together, the rest of us sleeping). He suggested that the poem was about vanity, which is exactly what I had been thinking. The fact that we were in our English class made it all the more ironic, as I often feel that our English lessons are very much about who is the most vain.

People my age most definitely are vain. We're probably the most vain generation currently living, as most people my age rely on their looks and their looks alone to get them through life. I'm not just talking about physical vanity, though, I'm also talking about mental vanity.

The sort of vanity that relies on one person being thick, and the other being ridiculously intelligent.

The sort of vanity that rears its ugly head when one person disagrees with one tiny, tiny point that another person agrees with.

The sort of vanity that happens when one person genuinely believes they are better than so many others in every single way.

Unfortunately, many people my age are like that. You get used to it after a while, or at least I did. You become accustomed to refraining from making that comment because it's simply too stupid to make it, then have somebody give you a million and one reasons why you're an idiot to think that way. I know I won't miss that when I leave and go to college, I'm counting on my belief that my personality will be much more free than it has been in high school. The ridiculous competition to always be perfect and the best out of all your peers is already wearing off in year eleven, but not enough. I hope that in college, I'll be surrounded by people that are at least a tiny bit like-minded to me.

Anyway, enough rambling from me. I have buns to go and make for a charity fundraiser tomorrow (thrown by the fabulously charitable Eliza) and I need to wash, dry and straighten my hair (which takes much longer than it should). I also had another injection today, and my arm is now starting to resemble a pin cushion (and probably feels a bit like one too...)

Besos ♥
Rachel

Clockwatching

I'm going to be blunt and just ask this question right now, because I don't feel that slotting it in casually would have the same impact somehow: if you could just stop the clock, stop time, just to live something, even just for a few hours, would you?

I'm not sure whether I would or not. Recently, I've felt that time has just escaped me massively. It's like someone opened the door and it all just ran out. Let me just backtrack a bit, so it might make more sense...

We got our official yearbooks today (some of us did, anyway) and I cried reading the messages from my Head of Year, Headteacher and Form Tutor. Not because I was sad, not even because I was happy. It's hard to explain. It's like a combination of every emotion I have ever related with school seems to suddenly be out on show, all of the time. We have 8 days left, and I'm so thankful to have the memories I already do have, but I want to create so many more - and I'm not sure that I have time to do that.

People always say that you'll look back on school as being the best time of your life - I know they're right and i haven't even left yet. What was so wonderful about the messages left by my teachers was that they seemed to address exactly how I was feeling, and I highly doubt any of them know. Even I don't know. You know what though, I wouldn't change a single thing about my time at high school, I really wouldn't. I had fights (verbal, not physical), I had problems, I got fed up of everything and wanted to just hide, I lost friends, I got stressed and panicky - yes, I did all of those things, most of them more than once. But, I also laughed like nothing was wrong with the world, I felt inspired, I realised how amazing people around me were (and still are), I found people that I want in my life forever, I found myself, I found other people. The list could go on and on, but the point is that no matter how many bad things happened, something good always came from them. I wouldn't change any of it, I wouldn't want an experience any different to the one I've had.

In related (rather than my usual 'other') news, there was a staff poll for the yearbook and they voted me as "Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence". I didn't cry at that (thankfully!), but it made me smile. There was also a pupil poll, and my friend Danny got voted as "Most Likely To Be on a Reality TV Programme" which amused me a lot...because it's sort of true.

My arm is still aching from my injection yesterday, but I feel happy at everything that's going on around me. I hope that wherever you are, your 'clockwatching' will make sense to you soon too.

Besos ♥
Rachel

Moving On

A kind (and actually very lovely) girl in my year just reminded me that we have 9 days left at school. So, in desperation, I looked up a band I like in the hope that they could provide me with some sort of clarity on the whole idea of leaving. I was half expecting something vaguely relevant. What I actually found was this, and it's so true I could've written it myself:

Can we put back all the pieces to the puzzles left behind?
We will soon be back together just before the stars align.
When the curtain falls for one last time and closes out the show.
Marching left, right, left, another step. Keep smiling as you go.

Movin’ on
Movin’ on

I’m sick of good intentions how they always tend to drown.
But, then, nothing seems to stay afloat living in the saddest town.
When the curtain falls for one last time and closes out the show.
Marching left, right, left, another step. Keep smiling as you go.

Movin’ on
Movin’ on
Movin’ on
Movin’ on

You’re out of room for marking days on the wall
The lines remind of just how long I’ve been gone
You’re holding on but now it’s time to let go.
Just let it go.

Movin’ on
Movin’ on
Movin’ on
Movin’ on

We could be the story that’ll break your heart.
We could be the victim of a fall apart.
Maybe we could last another week or so.
Movin’ on baby means you gotta let it go.

Moving On - Needtobreathe

In other news, I had an injection today to vaccinate me against Typhoid and Hepatitis A for when I go on World Challenge. I didn't cry, and I haven't get collapsed with bad side effects. So I'm happy, well, as happy as you can be when I apparently have tons of revision information to read through when I'm already ''ready for the exam now'' and have been for months. I might just read a few parts of it, to be honest, just reading really doesn't help me. I also thought of a GENIUS leaving present for my head of year earlier, so I'm pleased that I've got that part sorted.

Besos ♥
Rachel

Niceness

...seems to be something that is severely lacking in at least 75% of people my age. No, I'm not talking about going "awwww babes, I love you" to your friends every few minutes just to try and confirm that they love you back (which, it seems, they never do). I mean actual, genuine niceness. The sort of niceness that occurs because one person genuinely cares about another, not the sort of niceness that occurs when one person genuinely wants to get another drunk - and therefore lovingly gives away their very last 'supply' of alcohol for the night.

I'm not even talking about the sort of niceness that occured during a food technology lesson I was in last week, when a packet of cigarettes fell from a girl's cardigan pocket (without her realising, clearly concerned about being caught in school...) and the boy next to her (her 'friend') told her in a ridiculously cautious whisper told her that she'd dropped 'something'. The look on his face was priceless, it was as if he was saving her life by telling her in such a careful manner.

I don't think niceness even applies to situations during which one girl will be in tears and being consoled by her friend, when another girl (probably a randomer who vaguely knows her) will ask what's wrong. To be honest, during most occurances of this, the random girl being 'caring' mostly just wants some gossip.

No, I'm talking about real niceness. I've found recently that this mostly comes from adults, or at least people older than me. Having always been one of the oldest in the year (September 18th birthday), I have literally always been the oldest in my friendship groups - which is quite a bizarre thing. I think it's tougher being the older one, particularly as I'm both the oldest friend and the oldest sibling. You seem to experience things before others, often without realising, and it causes unnecessary friction. It's hard because as I grew up and matured, some (and I do mean only some) of my friends stayed as they were, and started to find problems with me because I was no longer interested in doing some of the things I used to enjoy. To put it bluntly: they didn't like who I became.

I found myself in almost a role reversal situation regarding this earlier this year. A friend of mine suddenly wanted to branch out, try new things and meet new people. All of which is fine, but my friend seemed to suddenly forget about the people experiencing this change too. And, if you read this (and realise it's about you), I want you to know that I don't blame you. I don't blame anybody. There's no point, everything happens for a reason and I get it now, I understand...

It was in the midst of this that I discovered what real kindness is. Real kindness is your form tutor spending over two hours afterschool talking to you and giving you a fresh perspective on things while you cry and wonder why things are so rubbish. Real kindness is your headteacher inviting you to his office to congratulate and thank you on being such a good pupil. Real kindness is a girl you barely know yet know well enough telling you that things will be OK.

Now it's my turn. I've begun writing thank you letters for each of my teachers for when I leave in two weeks. I wrote the first on Saturday night and was working on it until the early hours of the morning. Why? Because the person I wrote it for deserves to know just how thankful I am. I used to get caught up in the pathetic, bitchy nature of high school, I still do to some extent (hey, I'm not saying I'm perfect...), but I'm over the hatred now. Two weeks is a short space of time to make up for five years of confusion, tears, laughter and memories, but I'm not going to waste any of it with people who wouldn't waste their time for me.

I also found a book today while looking through the travel section in a bookshop. The cover was very different to how I'd have imagined it to be but the title and publisher instantly caught my eye. When I was little, we got a French for Kids book free in a pack of breakfast cereals. At the time I probably didn't even know what 'French' really meant but the books fascinated me, and I've read it cover-to-cover many times. A year or two ago, I was rooting through the piles of discarded books at my Grandma's house. My cousin's family often take any books they've definitely finished with down there, and my family are pretty much free to take anything we think we'll like. One book particularly caught my eye: Italian for Kids. Same cover design, same publisher. When I got home, I googled the book series to find out which others there were. I'd had absolutely no idea that an Italian version existed, so it excited me to think there were more. I found that there was a Spanish version too. This afternoon, I was in WH Smiths looking through the travel books (it's a habit I have, I don't normally buy anything but I love to just browse), when I found one called Spanish for Kids. the front cover was a lot different to the other two that I already had but the inside of the book matched the others. Anyway, I bought the book. I probably won't ever need to use it, as my Spanish is already more advanced than the vocab in the book, but I felt the need to make it a matching set. Who knows, maybe I would actually use them all if/when I have children in the future?

Today was a Bank Holiday so we've all (and by 'all', I mean my family) been off work/school, but we're all back tomorrow and it really is time to make these last two weeks count :)

Besos ♥
Rachel