Good Enough

Today was just one of those days where nothing gets done, nobody says anything the right way, nobody gets any good news, only bad. 

I'm dealing with a wide range of insecurities at the moment - about myself, my grades, my friends, how people view me, etc etc - and without going into too much detail...there's something that I always do when I feel the most insecure, and it's not that great (don't worry about me, it's not bad in any sense) so I'm trying to stop it. I think I use it as a way of diverting all of me from what's really going on in my life.

Today made me realise that I don't have much control over my own life, way less than I'd like or prefer. I also realised that it's going to be tough to deal with how I react to my insecurities when people in my life are so adamant at constantly dragging them up (mainly without even realising, sometimes without even intending to).

My worst is paranoia. It stems from when I found out the reason why I got put in a different form to my 'best' friends. Even though my closest friend, Fern, is only my friend because we ended up in the same form (instead of me with my 'best' friends), I guess I just can't shake that betrayal, probably mainly because I never got given the chance to face it and tell the person that caused it how much it hurt me. The fall out from this one, pretty stupid, event still affects me even now, when I no longer speak to that person (or if I do, it's about 3 words once a year and they're always perfectly civil and nice). I've forgiven this person completely, but it's my own feelings from it that I can't seem to get over.

I'm going to be honest here, because I just can't be bothered hiding things anymore. My friends at the moment are GREAT at making me paranoid...going off for little 'walks' right after I'm alone with one of them...it's always so obvious that they want to talk about me. Sending odd texts, refusing to let me join in with conversations, being so unaccepting of my opinions, mishearing things followed by getting irate because I've ''offended'' them and then refusing to listen when I say that I didn't actually say what they thought I said, choosing to create arguments instead. Sometimes it's like they just can't be bothered with me, but instead of being honest with me and telling me what I'm doing that they don't like, they just pretend it's all fine and leave me out of things instead. 

In short, I'm fed up of being lonely. If I don't organise something for me and my friends to do, they won't bother, but then they do things in smaller groups amongst themselves. I know that this is a fairly open rant and I'm also aware that some of my friends read this (one in particular, who I really don't want to be offended by any of what I've said) - I'm just sick and tired of always feeling in the background and unliked.

This feeling of being unliked inevitably causes me to drift from my friends a lot, which then makes them think I don't like them, which starts the circle again, but I've been hurt by so many people and I don't know how long I can go on being friends with people that won't be honest with me. Maybe I am just being paranoid, to be honest, I probably am, but if I am...why go around whispering things and acting like there's an issue I'm missing. 

But then, arguably, how can I expect my friends to like me when I don't even like myself? I've been that beaten down by people that I don't even view myself as a good or likeable person. And I don't know how to get out of this mess of being insecure and being friends with people that just take advantage of me and my hospitality and willingness to do and arrange things. I don't know how to get out of the cycle of ''friends > lonely > friends > lonely''. Ironically, one of the nicest people towards me is James, who I walk to/from the bus stop with most days (he lives round the corner, literally, from me) - and he constantly takes the mickey out of me and picks at me...but at the same time as me knowing that he's probably just messing about (and the fact that he often ends by making sure I know he's not being serious)...he's at least being honest....and that's missing in so many areas of my life...

I might regret posting this, I might not, but I do know that there's a part of me that feels better for getting it down on paper (well, screen) and there for everybody to see. So here you go people: I'm horribly insecure and even though I pretend everything's alright, it usually and almost always isn't.

Besos ♥
Rachel

Life

I made a bet with myself in the car earlier that I wouldn't be able to think of a better name for this post. I (obviously) won. Go me. Anyway, I couldn't think of a better title because nothing else really fits for what I'm about to say.

Life has been good for the past few days. Friday was spent mainly sitting about in the sun with 'the gang' and then just Keyana, Natalie and Katie, laughing and just being. I then had a surprise visit from my cousin, Becky, which was nice, and then I went out for a meal to celebrate my brother's birthday (a week late, 'cause that's just how he rolls...) On Saturday, I braved a car journey with Becky behind the wheel...clearly I survived :P Joking aside, it all made me realise something: we're growing up.

It's not long ago that we felt SO grown up walking five minutes to my local shop because she wanted a peanut butter Kit Kat (don't even ask...) Now, we're going about places in her car...it doesn't seem like it should be allowed, but it is, and it's just the next chapter in our many varied, unusual outings :) And soon, I'll be able to drive us places too (oh dear...)

It's like I hated college so much because it symbolised growing up, and I didn't feel ready. It's funny how the realisation that it wasn't necessarily a bad thing came totally independently of college. Though, to be honest, college has given Becky and I something to talk about, something that's not just our family, anyway. 

I also did something totally foreign to me for the first time in a long time this evening - I relaxed, properly. I sat down and watched all of Eurovision 2009, and I can tell the difference in how I feel because for once, I'm not itching to get up and do college work.

I'm going to bed now, Jade (Amnesty Group) and I have been planning cool surprises for one of the meetings after Easter...muahahaha ;)

Besos ♥
Rachel

Please Don't Stop the Rain

Yesterday was the two year anniversary of when I went to see James Morrison live at Sheffield Academy, it was also the release date of my absolute favourite song by him - Please Don't Stop the Rain. Me and Beth were about three rows from the stage, yeah, we felt pretty cool. Anyway, I meant to blog about it yesterday but I've only just found time. Anyway, it was one of the best nights of my life. I loved that man so much back then, haha. (Still do, just a bit less than back then 'cause he hasn't released anything in AGES.)

The lyrics to Please Don't Stop the Rain continue to inspire me:
"Let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, please don't stop the rain."


Ugh. I wish I was there now, today was horrible. That is all. I wish things were different, I wish they were less complicated. I wish I just hadn't been in college for yesterday or today, it was awful. Well, everything except my 30/30/A*/full marks Spanish writing mock. YES! My teacher actually came into the room I was working in and went "Rachel, I just want to congratulate you on this writing and your improvement, I can't fault it." I wanted to cry with happiness (a feeling that was unfairly later replaced with wanting to cry with shock/anger).


Anyway, I guess what I want to say about my Spanish is that I know I talk about it a lot, probably way too much, actually. But, and here's the important bit. I got an E in my first listening mock, I got an A* on Monday. I was on a C overall at Christmas, I'm on an A overall now (I think). I couldn't have worked harder or tried to do well in Spanish, and it's all slowly starting to pay off. Moral of the story: in the words of the wonderful Josh Groban, "don't give up, it's just the weight of the world". Other moral of the story: revise in the weirdest ways you can think of, it works :)


Besos ♥
Rachel 

"Nobody knows the price of this dream, nobody knows what it took to believe." - Runaway, Mat Kearney

False Hope

Today was ridiculous. Thoroughly ridiculous. We had the news broken to us in tutor today that the Personal Tutor system is changing next year, and that we're all going to have new forms and form tutors. I wanted to cry. 

It's taken me long enough to settle into the current tutor group I'm in now, to get to know people, to have a friend in there, to be able to talk to my tutor, Tim. I hope I get a decent tutor, there are so many horrific teachers in my college that don't know what they're doing. I'm hoping that I'll know someone in my form, I can't go through what I did with not knowing anyone in my current form again, I just can't.

Amnesty is still doing my head in. I just don't understand what the point in it all is if people in the group are just negative about it and can't be bothered with it anymore. I'm ridiculously pessimistic, but even I can see that the more negative you are, the more unhappy you are...

Miraculously, I got 90% on my Spanish listening mock yesterday, the reading was 65% but I already knew I needed to work on that... I averaged out at a B, and my teacher has now decided I could get an A overall in the exam. I cannot even begin to express how happy that conversation made me. That was the one redeeming part of my day. Ugh.

Besos ♥
Rachel 

Hanging On

College has broken me. I can't even pretend anymore, it has thoroughly broken me. I couldn't put more effort in and I don't get anything out of it at all. Yes, my grades in Spanish are rising, which is great, and yes, my teachers are more than happy with my effort. But I don't get anything out of college, at all. 

I'm only just managing to 'hang on in there' and cope with everything at the moment, and I can feel myself being so close to just snapping and giving in to the pressure on me. My parents were so disappointed with my last report because I'm not achieving As in all of my subjects. I put enough pressure on myself without them adding to it...

Amnesty is winding me up at the moment, it's like everytime I open my inbox there are 50 unread messages related to it, and when I'm just looking for my oral questions from Ester, they're the last things on Earth that I could possibly want to read. I don't want to miss the campaign this week, but at the same time I have things that are, undoubtably, more important to get done, but then if I don't do the things I'm expected to it's awkward.

My English Languages teachers have both managed to make me hate the subject again in the space of three days. One of them because he shouted at me on Friday for absolutely no reason (or if there was a reason, it was his fault) and the other because I have until Thursday to basically re-do my entire piece of coursework because it's 'dense'. Ugh. I'm stressed enough without that to add to my list.

I've tried this weekend to get my revision stuff back on track. I've started making my little flashcards and stuff to stick up around my bedroom and I'm working towards getting this Media paper finished. I need to spend more time on my Psychology but I can't until I buy, yes buy, the revision pack. Nice, I can't do well in my exam unless I buy materials to do so from my teacher. I keep forcing myself to think about Psychology whenever I'm not thinking about anything else, so I suppose it's something. Stress and Social are both clearer to me after last week when I met with Nigel to talk about it all, but I'm still completely overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I have to learn before June 7th. Meh. 

I'm going to go and listen to Josh Groban and pretend it's still winter, listening to him brought me so much comfort over winter...


Besos ♥
Rachel 

42 Days

Yes, as of today, it's only 42 days until ESC 2011 :) This morning, I noticed the album is available for pre-order on iTunes...I'm loving the previews :)

So, to mark today (not that it's that momentous or anything...) here are my top 10 for this year....


10. Greece: Loukas Giorkas feat. Stereo Mike - Watch My Dance 
OK, so you are all officially allowed to call me insane. I don't know why, or how it was possible, but this has grown on me a lot. I don't know whether it's because it's just SO different or because it's got Greek in it, but I like it. It's still the weirdest Greek entry I've ever heard, but for some reason I just seem to like it. 

9. Russia: Alexey Vorobyov - Get You 
Russia's entry last year was weird, it was hideous the year before, I wasn't holding out much hope for this year. It's nice to see that they've gone for something upbeat, the past two years have been so dreary and it was a bit like they were stuck in a rut. This is much faster and a lot less depressing, plus it's catchy. 
8. Croatia: Daria - Celebrate
It sounds like the sort of song I heard in Plodine at Benkovac last summer, so I like it partly for sentimental reasons (even though it didn't exist then, but whatever...) Again, it's upbeat and the lyrics are pretty feelgood ('celebrate' speaks for itself really, doesn't it?)
7. Spain: Lucía Pérez - Que me quiten lo bailao
I still wanted Auryn to win. Brushing that bitterness aside, I do like this song, and Lucía is the strongest of all of the Destino Eurovision contenders. I am biased because I can understand the song, but, again, it's upbeat and it's fun. It's hopefully not going to have the slightly creepy element to it that last year's entry did, though I fear it'll get lost amongst the REALLY strong entries this year.
6. Estonia: Getter Jaani - Rockefeller Street
Oh, I hate that I like this song. There are so many things about it that make me wish I could hate it, there are some seriously dodgy bits and overall, it's probably not all that good. But it's SO damn catchy. I find it going round my head so many times just randomly, ugh. As much as I hate to admit it, I do quite like it, yet at the same time, I do feel like it had the potential to be so much better. Hmm, tricky one.
5. Poland: Magdalena Tul - Jestem
Unlike last year, it's not weird and it sounds a lot more professional than so many of this year's entries. I don't have many reasons for liking this, and I am biased because I'm ridiculously excited about going to Poland in June. 
4. Norway: Stella Mwangi - Haba Haba
Love this song, it's so addictive. It makes me want to dance around like Allez Ola Ole did last year. The recorded version is a bit naff, it loses the 'spark' it has on stage. I love the fact that African influences are so obviously present, it makes it a bit different - something Norway clearly likes as they won with their different entry of Alexander Rybak.
3. United Kingdom: Blue - I Can
Still cannot even express how happy I am that the UK has a good entry this year. I can actually feel proud of my country for something, wow, that makes a change. Anyway, I love this song, again, it's addictive and it's also very catchy. It has the 'we can do it' theme of Jade in 2009, only this time without the obvious attempt at getting votes by including Andrew Lloyd Webber. I really hope the UK gets behind this song and takes it seriously.
2. Sweden: Eric Saade - Popular
Those that know me well will be surprised that this hasn't made 1st place. It's probably joint first place, to be honest, but there's something about my first place song that is just a bit different. Anyway, I love Eric Saade (can't take the guy seriously at all, but love him nonetheless) and I love this song. It's got more international appeal than Manboy did, and after people saw him last year he might me recognised easier. Another that I REALLY hope does well but I'm slightly scared that it probably won't. 
1. Denmark: A Friend In London - New Tomorrow
I adore this song, I really do. Scandinavian countries are always quite strong, and I really wish I knew why... Anyway, I firstly LOVE the lyrics of this song because I can relate to them quite well, secondly, it's such an easy-going song, and it has obvious Britpop influences that I like. I can listen to this song for hours on repeat.


So, there we have it, my top ten. Please feel free to leave your own in the comments, I'm dying to know who features in everybody else's top ten :)


Besos ♥
Rachel 


PS: Happy Birthday to my brother, Daniel, who is 13 today :)
PPS: Apologies about the stupid line spacing, have no idea what that's all about...

Journey

Today, like every other day recently, has been long and tiring. I'm ending it by listening to Jelena Rozga and wondering if I'll ever go back to Croatia (I hope I will).


There was an explosion of some sort (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1372322/Fire-raining-sky-Flames-tower-suburban-street-diesel-tank-explosion.html?ito=feeds-newsxml) near to my college, so both of my journeys to and from college today were redirected...a different way each time. The worst part was that on the way home, I noticed that the 'bus redecoration' has started...and now our college buses have advertisements for the college on them. Eurgh.


Next Friday is the final payment day for Poland, yet another journey that is so close yet so far away. The closer it gets, the more nervous I get about the Auschwitz visit, yet at the same time I think there's probably always going to be a bit of me that will be thankful when it's over - we all know it's not going to be the best day of our lives.

Leaving school is still very much on my mind, as is the fact that it's going to be so strange when some people leave for university this year (mainly Poppy, but it's also weird that Jack and Rachael won't be in Spanish next year too...even though we don't speak much).  


I drove my mum's car for the first time earlier this evening, it was thoroughly terrifying, but I managed to do fairly well considering it was a different car to the one I learn in and the gears were horrible. I can reverse better than driving in a straight line, how on earth does that work?! I have a two hour long lesson tomorrow so it'll be interesting to see how I do in that...


I have actual, proper plans for my Spanish blog - from now on, we're all going to have 'Spanish Friday' :D I'm probably also going to post the English equivalent, so those of you who are bilingual in these two languages will be in for a treat ;) I've been saying I want to do it for a while and I decided last night that I am. I'm obviously going to have to plan them all and stuff, which is why it didn't start this week, but hopefully it'll be a good one for you all next week.

Besos ♥
Rachel