Gratitude

So, since just after Christmas I've been both blogging (semi-successfully) and trying to be an optimist (also semi-successfully). I think the second goal is less publicised - I think I've pretty much only informed myself of this aim, until now. I didn't do too well at the optimism at first, I've spent a long time being pessimistic, so I guess the adjustment was tough. I think I'm doing okay now though, I think I'm a convert.

My English teacher keeps telling our class that somebody with experience is better for giving advice than somebody without it (or something very similar, same principle), and I'm starting to think she's right - because now I'm realising that optimism is a great deal more bearable for day-to-day life than pessimism, and I feel like telling everybody.

I think I've always been a sort of...spiritual...person. Perhaps in a religious sense, perhaps not. I don't really understand it, but somehow it makes enough sense as it needs to - and that's good enough for now. I'll explain those confused ramblings now, shall I?

Recently, I've started viewing things from a considerably different opinion to before. I've started trying to find something to be grateful for in everything bad happening to me.

"You're a bitch. You look like a lesbian and a transsexual, you stupid bitch." I am grateful to be able to live with myself, knowing that I don't have insecurities as bad as the people who try to put me down. I am grateful to have met someone full of such hatred, knowing that there are people feeling worse than me.

"I don't know where your coursework's gone, someone may have stolen it. It's happened before." I am grateful for the honesty of the person who told me that. I am grateful for the many, many jokes that my friends and I have had over it since. And for those wondering, it never turned up - I am grateful to have been given an A for a piece of work that was never actually graded.

"I've seen you crying but I've never seen you this upset." I am grateful that somebody cares, that somebody pays attention, that somebody notices (and also because that little quote there has stuck in my head and I don't intend of forgetting it anytime soon).

If you're not understanding how any of that relates to being spiritual, I suppose I mean that it's a very Christian approach to take towards things. I've struggled with paranoia recently, it's not been fun and it's been hard. But I'm over it now, I can easily laugh when people think they're offending me or affecting me. I can laugh at how people think they're being sneaky by talking about me and laughing whilst actually looking at me. During times like these, I am grateful to have the moral highground.

I used to care what others thought, not only people I vaguely knew, but my closest friends. Now, I really don't care what people I vaguely know think, and my friends should know the real me - if they don't, well, they're not real friends. I've realised that insecurities are only a problem if we let them be. And I'm not going to be the loser in this battle...

In other news in my life, we have a newly decorated living room...and I've had a permanent paint fume induced headache for a week. Oh well, I'll get over it. I've also realised what my Spanish teacher means when she says that it annoys her when one of her languages comes to her, but not the one she wants, when she's trying to think of a word. I've started doing it with English/Spanish and also Spanish/Croatian. Can't be a bad thing though, it means it's staying in my head. Seen as I have an extended summer holiday this year (well, sort of anyway), I'm thinking of beginning another language (as in teaching myself). Any suggestions guys?

Besos ♥
Rachel

PS: I know the visitor counter on the left hand side looks rubbish, it's mostly for my own purposes (i.e. knowing how many people have visited the blog). I'll look into making it look prettier soon (: