When all is lost, all is left to gain

Well, we made it, we're finally at the big 1-0-0...

I'm not entirely sure I believe this is my 100th post. It doesn't feel like I've kept this up for 100 different posts, 100 different life lessons, 100 different stories. I want to take you all back a little...

Remember that? You'd be forgiven if you don't, it feels like years ago. I remember staying up for HOURS making that banner and the matching pictures to go on the sidebar. It took a long time, but it felt like an accomplishment. I realise now that I never said why I started this blog. Well, I did it because I attempted blogging with a friend (Beth) and then we kind of weren't friends anymore and the blog got forgotten about. We were The Danish Fisherwomen, if you fancy checking it out. Anyway, I guess I liked blogging so I decided to start my own up. It ended up starting off a ''blogging craze'' amongst my friends, with three of them starting up their own (one of them gave up, two of them occasionally post now).

When I started this blog, I was going through some pretty big friendship changes and it was a good outlet of emotion. I could shout out what I was feeling and nobody really read it except a few close friends (Fern, Aiden and Eliza). That dynamic has changed slightly (as evidenced by the reader tracking...), but the reasoning is still there. I think bloggers create their blogs for a reason, and I know it's to express something. Blogs fit into different categories, some are very specific and some are just nonsense. Mine probably fits into the 'nonsense' category.

Since I started my blog up, lots of things have changed in my life, and it's probably worth a recap. The biggest change of all is that I left school on Wednesday 19th May. Frankly, I'm still only just 'getting over' it, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I still struggle with the vast difference between school and college. I went to prom on Wednesday 30th June and had an amazing night with the best friends I could have asked for from 5 years of high school. I went on my World Challenge expedition to Croatia on Friday 9th July and had the time of my life for 8 days, returning on Saturday 17th July. It changed me for the better, and I know I'm never going to forget it. I know I'll make the effort to remember every detail. I started college on Thursday 2nd September. It was great for a while, and then I struggled like mad and spent pretty much every day trying not to cry my way through lessons and being helped by my new (and slightly mental due to the fact that he agreed to be locked in a cage in the common room) tutor, Tim. I made new friends and pretty much lost old ones, but the fact that those of us who stuck together are closer than we ever were before says something to me. It shows me that there's a reason why we're friends. I met Chloe, my form/English/choir buddy, and ended up organising fundraising activities for Children in Need with her. I met Poppy, my choir buddy, comedy twin and Minchin-singer. I met Talor and Kerry, who make Psychology endlessly fun. I met my English Language class, and I love how we all get along brilliantly. I met Jonathan, Adam and the rest of the Amnesty International group, and I met Eleanor who accepted us all for who we are.

I've learnt that the journey really is the important part, and that the outcome is how it is. I've learnt that I'm much for resiliant than I ever believed I could be. I've even learnt how to accept that I can't ''do it all'' (I have counselling by the college counsellor). Most importantly, I think I've learnt how to go with what works best for YOU and just accept that not everybody else will agree with it.

I've also learnt that Rob, our Choirmaster, likes to announce 'emergency rehearsals' - I love it though, and I think I've really started to get used to not just moaning at everything that I don't like. I've also learnt to admit that yes, I do like being stupidly busy.

That's about all from me this evening. Except I would just like to say Happy Birthday to my mum for tomorrow :)

Besos ♥
Rachel

"Doesn't matter what comes crashing down, I'm still gonna stand my solid ground." - Won't Back Down, Mat Kearney

99

This is my 99th post, the next will be my 100th (you could probably work that out for yourselves really). So, it's taken me less than a year to reach the 100 mark. I was going to go back to my first post and talk about it for my 100th post, but I think I'd like to do something different...and less clichéd.

So, what would YOU like to see written about in my 100th post? Give me all the suggestions you can think of and I'll choose my favourite(s) and write about them. Simple?

I'll then be back for the 101st post to discuss my very first post. And then I'll do one in Spanish, I promise :)

Besos ♥
Rachel

"So let the wind blow us to wherever it says we are supposed to go. When you want something but can't name it, it's under a streetlight." - Streetlight - Joshua Radin

PS: Josh Groban was on the Alan Titchmarsh show this evening. I love that man so much ♥

Taking a Roadtrip

*Warning: here comes another 'Croatia' post*

Inspiration can come from the largest or smallest of things. Most recently, it's come from a realisation that I took more away from the Croatia expedition than I first thought.

Before I explain the point of this post, I just want to give you a bit of background information...I've joined the college's Amnesty International group. Background info over.

Now, here's how they link...

When I was in Croatia, we had to go on a journey from Starigrad to Kaštel Žegarski. The journey involved spending about an hour in minibuses going all through the countryside - right from next to the coast at Starigrad to a river in the middle of the wilderness. We passed a lot of what I called 'shells of houses' - houses that had clearly once been homes, yet somehow were no longer even lived in. Minus a few collapsed brick fences and dodgy roofing, these houses looked like they could be lived in now. I wish I'd had the chance to get up close to one of them, just to peer through the window. I also wish I'd got better pictures than the following, but I think they illustrate the images I remember well..
.

These houses struck me as odd. Firstly because they were there, abandoned in their hundreds, and they were everywhere. They were en route to Kaštel Žegarski, Trogir, Novigrad, Starigrad... Why? Because we visited Zadar County - one of the 'most shelled cities' affected by the Croatian War of Independence. You see that small building in the second picture? It's a church. It's more than likely that the graves that can be seen around it once zoomed in are mainly war victims.

The emptiness of the countryside struck me whilst I was there. The countryside is lonely here in the UK, but there was something about it out there that caught my attention. I cannot even understand what it must feel like to have to abandon your home and flee everything you know, I hope I never have to. I hope I'll never have to experience the fear and intensity that these people must have experienced, the consuming sense of helplessness and injustice. You see, it's easy to forget sometimes that these are real people. But they are. These people have existed and do exist now.

I know Croatia isn't exactly a war-torn country now, so I'd imagine many people won't see how it can have made me think so much. But it doesn't take a trip to Iraq or Afghanistan to realise that there are real issues going on and that there are real people being unfairly affected every single day. Which is where Amnesty International comes in. I'm not going to say I joined the group at college entirely because of Croatia, because I didn't...but it was certainly an important factor for me. The thing is, there are people all over the world who are helpless, and somebody needs to help them. I know our small group in college isn't going to make a massive difference to the world, but we're trying and we're supporting, and sometimes that's all we can do to make a difference.

Besos ♥
Rachel

"One step forward, two steps back. Through the void of silence you are not alone." - War at Home, Josh Groban, Illuminations

Mockery

Some say that those who bully you are jealous of you, don't they? I wish I could believe that idea, but there's something that just stops me fully buying the idea of it.

I'm not sure whether what I'm about to talk about counts as bullying, but it's nasty behaviour and completely unjustified...so I'm going to class it in that way for now.

Here's the deal: today was the first day of Children in Need fundraising at college. I've got to be honest, I wasn't expecting it to be a roaring success...mostly because of the irritating people sprawled across the stage in front of our stall who refused to move, but also because I've seen the people who go to my college...they're about as apathetic as a bunch of teenagers can get really. Anyway, I wasn't expecting it to go well...and it went slightly better than I'd anticipated, so it could've been worse.

There's a bunch of people who I know who, for a long time now, have liked to think they're 'it'. Yes, these 'queen bee' types even exist at college. When I took part in the Amnesty International campaign, one of them took to quite literally laughing in my face about it whenever I passed her. Pathetic? Yes. Did it bother me? No, I'm used to it by now to be honest. This girl, along with several of her friends, then mocked our campaign on Facebook one evening. Pathetic again? Definitely...

The same few people have once again taken to mocking me/what the Children in Need group are doing, not over Facebook...this time in the middle of the common room while we were selling cakes. Why am I mentioning all of this? Because I still find it hard to believe that so many people my age are as immature and pathetic as they are. Apparently we're the 'freaks' for doing the fundraising. But what about the people who ridicule fundraising and refuse to get involved and HELP SOMEBODY WHO ISN'T SPOILT LIKE THEY ARE? Surely they're the real freaks, and quite frankly, I'm laughing at them. How narrowminded can one person be to actually react to someone trying to make a difference in such a lame way?

But hey, I won't be losing any sleep over it. And if it continues, they could face a two week suspension from college. Yeah, I'm not taking crap from anyone anymore.

Besos ♥
Rachel

I think too much

The title pretty much sums up my entire post, but I should probably at least attempt to explain it a little, seen as it's pretty blunt.

It's true though, I do, and I really should think about figuring out how to stop it (ha!). My thoughts on this stem from a conversation I had with my tutor on Friday morning, it went a bit like this:
Tutor: "OK then, what is it you want to tell me?"
Me: "Well, I feel like I should probably explain why I generally tend to work too much."
Tutor: "OK..."
Me: "I think it's because..."
And I'm not going to explain the rest, mostly because I can't remember how the rest of the conversation went up until it started going into how I was bullied at high school for a while and I realised it had taken a slightly unwanted direction. Though, just for the record/to clarify, the bullying thing hasn't really affected me long term.

The conversation basically went into my theory as to why I spend so much time working when I probably don't need to. Teachers have always described it as me being ''conscientious'', which has always been accurate, but I think there's something else to it. If I look back on the periods of time I've spent working the most, it's always been when I've been really uncomfortable with friendship problems or the social aspect of whatever I'm going through at the time. To me, that only suggests one thing.

My tutor did actually agree with me that my reasoning probably is why I work too much, so I'm not just being mental and making stuff up. I mean, it's helpful to be able to put a label on it and be able to explain it, rather than just being the idiot who spends too much time working and gets stressed. Ironically, it's mostly the people who mock me for being the 'nerd' that cause me to be the nerd, but that's another story entirely.

In other news, I had a realisation that creeped me out a bit a day or two ago. I realised that I no longer need my high school tutor, and I never thought I'd say that. That's not to say that I'll ever stop appreciating everything she's done for me and that I'm suddenly forgetting how much she's taught me about myself, but I don't...or at least not at the moment. For me, that's almost considered an achievement.

I'm also performing with the college choir again on Wednesday evening for Open Evening. Hopefully I won't be nervous because I wasn't last time, so I can't see why I would be this time.

I think one day I'm going to do a blog post entirely in Spanish. I told you I think too much...

Besos ♥
Rachel

"When your hope has been denied you, I will walk beside you, carry on." - Ben's Brother