Results day is on the 18th(?). Year 12 will properly be over. I don't even care about my Media result anymore. In fact, I'm only bothered about Spanish and Psychology because I already know I've passed English and based on my exam and coursework, I should get either a B or an A. I'll probably cry at my Spanish result. I probably won't at Psychology because it's not what I want to study after college.
I go back to college on the 5th. I'll get a new tutor, a new form. I thought it would really upset me that I'm not likely to have Tim as my tutor again, but for some reason, I'm looking forward to the change and I'm not bothered by it at all.
I'm ill. This makes it pretty much a month of being ill, with three different 'illnesses'. I can't even blame it on being stressed this time, because I'm pretty much doing nothing all day every day, though I suppose there are other things (people) that continue to stress me out...
Yesterday my dad came home from work with two thank you cards from his side of the family to let us know they'll be attending my party. Before January, I wouldn't have even recognised some of these people in the street, but I've seen them more this year than in the past ten years, and it means so much to me that they're coming. When I got back from Poland and went straight to my Great Auntie Helen's birthday party in Doncaster, she was the first person to greet me (with a ridiculously huge hug, haha) and made sure I was alright all evening. Because my Nana died when I was young, I've never really known her side of the family (except my Great Uncle Joe) and now that I've managed to reconnect with them again this year, I don't want that connection to break again. I was worrying about them not being able to attend and then, right when so many family members had replied saying they'd be busy, I got those cards.
What I'm slowly learning is that sooner or later, things will happen - things that I have no control over. Control is something I have/have had major issues with. I can only assume it stems from starting high school and having friends that liked controlling what everybody else did. I absolutely hated it and I remember feeling so free when I finally made friends with Fern and Aiden properly in year eight because they were just normal. Now, when I don't have control of a situation, I'm reminded of all of that and that's where I struggle. I find it hard to realise that it's not somebody trying to control me, it's just that it has to happen.
I've had some serious issues with my friends in the past few months. Things just seemed to turn awkward overnight and nobody knew why. Some of us were just paranoid and thought everybody was talking about us behind our backs. People gave each other strange looks and nobody knew why. I took all of these things personally. I thought I'd done something but couldn't work out what. I'd ask Eliza what was going on and she'd be clueless.
In truth, I don't think there was anything going on with others, but there was something going on with me. I'd stopped making an effort. I'd felt a little awkward and just given up. In Poland, when we were all talking, I made a remark about getting on better with the group there than my friends and one of the teachers seemed shocked (and then went on to tell us a story about ditching her friends...) that I'd admitted it. But, the raw truth is that I've been a bad friend for a while now, and I want to change that.
I've made a conscious effort to keep in contact with certain people since college ended for summer, one person I don't even know well but feel like I have a lot in common with; another I only met by chance at a meeting I wasn't even supposed to be part of (hi, Sophie!); and the majority I've been friends with since school.
It's not even that I expected people to make an effort with me and for me to be able to do nothing in return. It actually stemmed from a lack of effort from certain people and me just feeling thoroughly rejected, and those feelings somehow spread to everybody, pretty much. I know it's about the compromise between me being my usual busy, committed, academically-focused self, and me letting those things go and being fun to be around.
For so long (pretty much since I started high school, actually) I've continually beaten myself up about not being able to figure out that balance. But you know what? I'm only seventeen, I have the rest of my life to figure that out. For now, I'm doing the best I can and if that's not enough for some people, then maybe it's not just me who needs an attitude check...
Besos ♥
Rachel
"Trying to swim but you're sinking like a stone, alone" - Sooner or Later - Mat Kearney
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