31 Things

Right at the beginning of this year, I made a rough list on paper smaller than A5 size entitled "In 2010 (this year), I will:" I'm not going to share it with you, mostly through slight embarrassment at how strange some of the desired accomplishments may sound, but partly because I know that really, I'm not going to accomplish all 31 things in the coming months, weeks and days. There are some things this year that I will accomplish without meaning to, there already have been. There are also some things that I will wish to, but never succeed in doing.

Bear with me here.

I do know that I've already done one of the 31 things, I did it without realising. I think I've done another too. Which is precisely the point, we all do many, many things that affect not only our own lives, but the lives of others, without realising.

I pay great attention to what people say to me, I'm an absolute analyst in that respect. I like to piece together the sentence in my mind and work out what the person meant by the tone of their voice, the choice of their words and the way they structured the sentence. Yes, I know that's not exactly what you'd call 'normal'. My friends most likely hate me for it, but I know that they're also grateful for it at times, when I can work out what's wrong without them having to say barely anything at all.

Like I said, I'm an analyst.

I analyse my own words, probably and most likely through paranoia that I said one word when I could've and should've said another, maybe through fear that my tone of voice was 'off' and what I said may be misinterpreted.

I'm not saying that because of this, I'm perfect, no way. Somebody who is in my life (almost) everyday pointed this out to me a few days ago in a very neutral, nonsubjective way. I talked with this person at great length, pouring out exactly how I felt for what seemed like hours before wiping my face clean and leaving quite literally with a clearer mind.

It's funny who we look to for support. Typically, first comes the parents, followed by the friends and, in my case, followed by my teachers. Each of mine has taught me a valuable life lesson, without having really said anything. One of them (and anyone that knows me will probably be trying to figure out who I mean right now) seems to have a rather powerful zest for life, and is never heard moaning or seen looking down. Another is probably a big factor in why I'm writing right now, if it wasn't for this person, there would probably be a deep, meaningful side to me waiting to be unlocked and let free. Somebody else is, quite frankly, useless, but has shown me that it's very often necessary to speak up and not just ignore things. Perhaps the most important person in this (admittedly, probably confusing) description is someone that I've received more advice from (and taken more advice from) than anyone else. This person has said two things very recently that I have a feeling I'll carry with me for a very long time. None of these people will be reading this, but thank you for everything you all have done.

The point is that in some way, we all touch the lives of others without knowing, without meaning to and without realising we ever have. My list of 31 things is very much about myself, as it rightfully should be. Some of the comments on it are materialistic, some vain, some petty, some strange, some deep, some are objectives for the future, some make reference to things I've been thinking about and 'working on' for four years now. But what I do have to wonder is, have I ever touched the life of someone else in the same way they have with me? I'm not saying that I'd want to know if I had, to be honest, but it's a nice feeling to think that I might have...

I'm not going to accomplish all 31 things, I know that several of them are things I would just like to happen but can live without. But what I know I can do is never give up hope that somebody appreciates me just as much as I appreciate them. It's a long-shot, I know, but maybe one day it'll happen.

With respect, admiration and gratitude,
Rachel