Have you ever felt like you're slowly being left behind, like everyone's rushing around you and you can't even lift you feet off the ground? Have you ever listened to your friends or family talking about their throroughly planned out futures and felt a knot tighten in your stomach?
If you said yes to either of those, thank you, you're not alone.
Having spent the past 10 years of my life in school, 4(ish) of them in high school, and 6(ish) in primary school, it's scary thinking that I have less than 100 days left of my entire school life before I am, effectively, 'free'. But the thing is, I don't think I want to be. I've never been a big fan of change.
September 6th 2005 - first day of high school
I wasn't in a form with any of my friends (it also happened to be the day my head of year's first daughter was born...our year's been a little different right from the very first day).
September 15th 2006 - my thirteenth birthday party
My two 'best friends' spent the night bitching about me each time I left the room.
September 11th 2008 - the first day of options
I figured out right from the beginning it was going to be rubbish.
September ? 2010 - the first day of college
How can I know what it's going to be like?
My friends have got it all figured out, of course they have. They have the options, they have the career all planned out too. I have no idea where I'm headed, all I know is what I'm taking at college if I get in. My form tutor says it's okay that I have no idea right now, she says her son was the same. And I know she's completely right, but it's still hard accepting it when everyone around me is headed somewhere special. My cousin - medicine, My friend - surgeon, another friend - psychiatrist.
Yeah, I have some pretty clever god-damn intelligent friends.
The link to the title of this post (Stepping Stones), would be that September 6th 2005, September 15th 2006, September 11th 2008 and September ? 2010 are all just dates. They're all pavements that I've walked down, shoes that I've worn and stones that have formed the paths that made those both happen. The pavements were cracked, the shoes rubbed and the stones were bumpy, but I made it to the other end unharmed. There were more paths in between, some smaller, some larger, all equally as rough. The point is that even when the ground is rough, the shoes don't fit and the stones are jagged and bumpy, the next path is always round the corner, waiting with hope and the promise that you can take the shoes off for a while and reap the rewards of
the journey, not just the end destination.
I've got to go now, the rabbit (Dusty) is coming in for a while and the room needs 'Dustyfying' (she's adorable but has an uncontrollable love for chewing through cables).
With love, peace and adorable bunnies,
Rachel (and Dusty)
Right at the beginning of this year, I made a rough list on paper smaller than A5 size entitled "In 2010 (this year), I will:" I'm not going to share it with you, mostly through slight embarrassment at how strange some of the desired accomplishments may sound, but partly because I know that really, I'm not going to accomplish all 31 things in the coming months, weeks and days. There are some things this year that I will accomplish without meaning to, there already have been. There are also some things that I will wish to, but never succeed in doing.
Bear with me here.
I do know that I've already done one of the 31 things, I did it without realising. I think I've done another too. Which is precisely the point, we all do many, many things that affect not only our own lives, but the lives of others, without realising.
I pay great attention to what people say to me, I'm an absolute analyst in that respect. I like to piece together the sentence in my mind and work out what the person meant by the tone of their voice, the choice of their words and the way they structured the sentence. Yes, I know that's not exactly what you'd call 'normal'. My friends most likely hate me for it, but I know that they're also grateful for it at times, when I can work out what's wrong without them having to say barely anything at all.
Like I said, I'm an analyst.
I analyse my own words, probably and most likely through paranoia that I said one word when I could've and should've said another, maybe through fear that my tone of voice was 'off' and what I said may be misinterpreted.
I'm not saying that because of this, I'm perfect, no way. Somebody who is in my life (almost) everyday pointed this out to me a few days ago in a very neutral, nonsubjective way. I talked with this person at great length, pouring out exactly how I felt for what seemed like hours before wiping my face clean and leaving quite literally with a clearer mind.
It's funny who we look to for support. Typically, first comes the parents, followed by the friends and, in my case, followed by my teachers. Each of mine has taught me a valuable life lesson, without having really said anything. One of them (and anyone that knows me will probably be trying to figure out who I mean right now) seems to have a rather powerful zest for life, and is never heard moaning or seen looking down. Another is probably a big factor in why I'm writing right now, if it wasn't for this person, there would probably be a deep, meaningful side to me waiting to be unlocked and let free. Somebody else is, quite frankly, useless, but has shown me that it's very often necessary to speak up and not just ignore things. Perhaps the most important person in this (admittedly, probably confusing) description is someone that I've received more advice from (and taken more advice from) than anyone else. This person has said two things very recently that I have a feeling I'll carry with me for a very long time. None of these people will be reading this, but thank you for everything you all have done.
The point is that in some way, we all touch the lives of others without knowing, without meaning to and without realising we ever have. My list of 31 things is very much about myself, as it rightfully should be. Some of the comments on it are materialistic, some vain, some petty, some strange, some deep, some are objectives for the future, some make reference to things I've been thinking about and 'working on' for four years now. But what I do have to wonder is, have I ever touched the life of someone else in the same way they have with me? I'm not saying that I'd want to know if I had, to be honest, but it's a nice feeling to think that I might have...
I'm not going to accomplish all 31 things, I know that several of them are things I would just like to happen but can live without. But what I know I can do is never give up hope that somebody appreciates me just as much as I appreciate them. It's a long-shot, I know, but maybe one day it'll happen.
With respect, admiration and gratitude,
Rachel
I have been set a challenge, a challenge of blogging sorts. Okay, so technically I did ask for the 'challenge' and technically it was my idea, but whatever. I'll reveal the challenge at the end of the post, though it's mostly for the amusement of Aiden Moore, my slightly mental friend who has a complete and total obsession with Japan, Geisha girls, sushi and all that comes with it.
I should probably point out right from the beginning that there is no major message from this post, though warn you that if I end up rambling, you may find one yourselves. I also suppose that now might be a good time for you to get to know me a little better, so here we go...
I study Spanish, Food Tech, Business Studies and Applied ICT at GCSE, alongside the usual compulsory subjects. When I first began them at the beginning of Year 10, I think my parents thought I'd become some sort of culinary genius, I still have trouble making a cup of tea and not spilling it all over the counters, floor, and my own foot, when I pick it up. I still find it a physical impossibility to open a can without completely butchering my fingers in the process, and it's still a novelty being able to operate the oven and electric whisk in class (though to be fair, the oven I have to use only has one temperature setting...so y'know). My Spanish is going well though, and has lead me to find a love of languages (mock all you like, people, but I bet you can't say ''cows have drunk his brain'' in Croatian, can you?!) It is rubbish, though, when all you seem to learn is the key vocab of the language, I can't even begin to explain the amount of times I've had to tell my teacher that I have a cream coloured living room.
I live in a very dull village in the middle of nowhere, where it always rains and there's never any sunshine, I don't remember the last time I looked into my garden and saw an actual flower, as opposed to an actual weed. My neighbourhood/estate is a source of amusement though, we have several 'characters' who I'm sure I will post about at some point. For now, I'll just leave you with the legacy of 'Wood Man', the genius who lives round the corner to me who likes nothing better than to create a wood shack first thing in the morning. I've spent too many Saturday mornings waking up to the sound of a drill and a hammer. In fact, I've spent too many Saturday afternoons searching for aspirin. Lovely.
Seen as Aiden and I are currently debating this now, I'll end the post with a message to anyone reading this. Please, if you're going to own an iPod, listen to the radio, watch music channels or search YouTube, don't ever, ever, let Lady GaGa enter the equation.
With frustration, anticipation and what is hopefully success,
Rachel
[Okay, so the post is over now and I can explain the 'challenge'. Basically, Aiden gave me a list of ten words that I had to fit into a blog post. I'm not entirely sure if I've succeeded in doing this in a good way or not, but hey, I gave it a shot, right? When you read this, Aiden, I think you should sign onto your blog account and do the very same thing...I'll set you the challenge this time.]
I drew the title from lyrics I adore by a singer called Rosie Doonan. For those interested, the song's called 'Outside In', though I'm unsure if it's anywhere to be found on the internet.
Now we've got that out of the way, allow me to introduce myself. I am Rachel Cross, a sixteen year old girl from the UK who has tried blogging before...and failed (stay with me, folks, I'm trying my best). I'd list my varied and intriguing interests, but I hope to reveal them in stories and anecdotes in the posts that will follow this one. In fact, I'll start with one now.
Today, I spoke to my oldest and most memorable best friend for the first time in months. I miss her a lot right now, lots of stuff has been going on and I've really felt the notion that I am no longer a perfectly innocent 8 year old, no longer able to hide behind the characters carved from my imagination as I have grown into a teenager. My oldest and most memorable best friend shared these characters with me, no doubt. Her name is Rachel - we went by Rachel no#1 (me) and Rachel #no2 (her) when we were younger, and at the time wondered if we'd ever accept that when one person shouted 'Rachel', we'd both turn round. We never needed to. The day we met, she came to my school to visit for the day. I remember it vividly, I remember telling her to keep away from the bully of the class (who, to be fair, everybody hated...I was doing the girl a favour) and then missing her the second she left. I remember her telling me I was her best friend after only a mere few hours of knowing eachother. Rachel moved away in late 2003/early 2004 (I think I can be forgiven for no longer remembering the exact date, I erased it from my memory when I left school that day in tears because the move had been so sudden).
We kept up our best friendship for another two years or so, continuing into early 2006 when I think we both realised that without our shared classmates, fellow Brownie girls and horse riders, we had nothing to talk about. We tried to keep it up, but she became distant, I became wrapped up in my new high school friendships, she was always busy, I hated travelling the distance. She was worth it, we were worth it, but our friendship faded away before we both really knew what was happening.
The real beginning to what I'm trying rather long-windedly to explain would be a conversation that took place between myself and some other friends yesterday. As we sat around the desks in my form room (because we're the cool kids who eat our lunch in a classroom, rather than the social area or across the road in front of the shop, yeah, you should be envious...) sharing stories about our primary schools, I found myself reminiscing about the strange people we had in our class, the people that to this day I still remember yet would not be able to recognise in the street. But, despite the jolly conversation taking place around me and the many things I could have said, I found myself biting my tongue as I realised that the greatest memories couldn't be shared with my friends...they could, and should, only be shared with the one person they took place with, Rachel. It's fair to say we were inseperable when we were at primary school together, we'd get shouted at when we went swimming for not putting enough effort in and ''just gossiping'' instead (clearly my year 5 teacher had my personality figured right out even back then). We'd go to eachother's houses for tea each week, and I adored her mum's homemade pizza more than any meal I'd ever eaten previously, salivating over it more each time I went there. We left a strange boy from our class on top of her climbing frame at a party once, but I think we can be forgiven considering he always claimed he was from Mars...
I remember the day she left, she only lives 1 and 1/2 hours away from me even now, but it's impractical to visit her and impractical for her to visit me. My mum took me to Xscape (a local entertainment complex type of place) to cheer me up, we saw either Freaky Friday or Mean Girls, I don't remember which, I don't think I paid much attention. It was like there was a gap where she should have been sitting next to me.
I'm rambling, I know, you'll find I like to take my time to explain things fully. The point is, that I miss her, though she's symbolic of much more, she represents my childhood. I won't detail what's happened this week, but speaking to her this evening has shown me how far I've come from the day when I sat in a practically empty nighttime cinema wishing I could have my best friend back. Because the thing is, even when I feel alone, I know I'm not. I have my family, my incredibly zany, absolutely mental, gloriously silly family. I have the teachers from school (some, admittedly, have touched my life considerably more than others, though all have taught me lessons in both their desired subject, and life). I have my crazily deep, wonderfully mad, insanely dirty-minded friends, and we're not always going to be together. In September, we're all starting fresh over in college, and we all realise that we'll drift apart, we'll make new friends and laugh with new people. But, in a very longwinded way, what I'm saying is that if I've learnt anything from Rachel, I know that life can go on without people in it anymore.
With love, belief and scary levels of depth,
Rachel no#1
PS: Though, having said that last part, I very much intend to keep everybody in my life now in it for as long as they'll have me (: After all, I am their walking, talking planner and (when needed) PA. Gotta love friends...
