Panic

Jaume Plensa at the YSP, 2011

pan·ic 

n.

1. A sudden, overpowering terror, often affecting many people at once.

2. A sudden widespread alarm concerning finances, often resulting in a rush to sell property: a stock-market panic.

3. Slang One that is uproariously funny.

adj.

1. Of, relating to, or resulting from sudden, overwhelming terror: panic flight.

2. Of or resulting from a financial panic: panic selling of securities.

3. often Panic Mythology Of or relating to Pan.

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/panic

 

'Often affecting many people at once' is the part of this definition that concerns me. It's been an interesting couple of weeks - last week was one of those weeks where you're wandering around in a stressed-out sort of manner all week. It was also the sort of week where you find yourself having to leave a building because you think you're going to have some sort of nervous breakdown in front of random tutor groups and a couple of NHS reps. 

A friend texted me twice within the hour today asking ''what's up?'', followed by ''are you okay?''. I couldn't reply. I didn't know how to. I'm not OK, but I'm not not OK either. I'm in a weird in-between state of mind where I just feel panicked all of the time. And I know people are just caring, but when I'm faced with ''are you OK?'', I don't know what I'm supposed to say. 'Yes', probably, but then I'd be lying.

 

And then there are so many people who are there, but in some moments it just feels like I need my space and I'm being crowded. 

It's odd, though, because life at the moment is a constant juxtaposition of happiness and sadness. Like, for instance...

I spent half of Tuesday afternoon crying, then Tuesday evening seeing this wonderful man in Leeds with Sophie and Poppy. I mean, it overtakes the rubbish bits, but still, what an odd day... (I also now have a new favourite song that I embarrassed myself asking him about, worth it though.) I think it's possible that he's my favourite person ever. Anybody who stands on a stage and makes jokes about the pronunciation of 'an onion' is a winner in my book...

Everything just feels weird and it feels like something major is about to happen, but that we're not quite there yet. And I'm not sure how much more of this weird cycle I can endure before I'm just going to snap. There's nowhere to write it all, and there's nobody who will understand it all. I'm just tired of feeling awful and I'm tired of thinking about everything. 

So to go back to those questions, I don't know. I really don't.

Besos ♥
Rachel