Ocultar - To Hide

I wish I could just tell a story about playing hide and seek, it would make things so much simpler than they actually are. Well, I say that like things are incredibly messed up, they're not at all (anymore). But for once, I'm not writing about my own problem. I'm actually writing about the problems of others (and one person in particular).

I remember very clearly being in Y7 and being threatened via MSN by somebody's sister that she would ''smash my face in with an iron'' if I ''said something again''. I still have no idea what I supposedly said, but I do still remember how ridiculous the whole thing was. I also remember sitting on the stairs and crying...yeah...great.

Anyway, you're probably wondering what this has to do with my title of 'Hiding'. I suppose it mostly comes from the fact that the girl who said those things was hiding...hiding behind her computer, hiding behind the fact that she was typing to another computer, hiding behing the fact that we'd never, ever, spoken to eachother in real life. Which is what winds me up so much.

It's too easy for people to hide behind their computer and be vile to others.
And it's also too easy to brush them off as being cowardly and pathetic.

I'm not trying to say that people who make petty threats via the internet can in any way justify their actions, because I don't really think they can. To me, if you mess up, you mess up - you can't cover it up with excuses because either way, you still did it and it's still your fault. But seriously, you have to wonder how messed up some people really are, if the only way they can express their dislike of people is over the internet. Better still, not even directly to those they dislike.

I guess I don't understand it because I do understand that if I need to sort something out in person, I will. But it seems that way too many people of my age enjoy hiding behind their computer screen instead of being honest and realistic. The only reasoning behind any of this that I can see would be that they have a lot of insecurities towards confronting their own emotions, and also a lot of insecurities towards their peers. Back in Y7, I think I'm probably guilty of the second one, but I don't recall ever 'threatening' someone online because I was too scared to do it in person. This post definitely seems to link in with another recent post of mine, Affirmation, so if you're wanting the bigger picture it would probably make most sense to hop on over to that and give it a quick read (and of course, a comment :P)

So, I'm definitely going to try and be nothing but honest on here from now on, no hiding behind an on-screen persona or any of that.

And lastly, just a quick update on the blog redesign. I've also changed the sidebar on the left hand side and it now contains a few pictures, two taken by myself with my dad's camera and the others made to fit the blog's graphics featuring song lyrics that can be found here (Silencio - Nelly Furtado & Josh Groban), here (Primavera Anticipada - Laura Pausini & James Blunt) and here (Lloro Por Ti - Enrique Iglesias). As always, let me know what you think to the songs and of course, leave any suggestions you have for music you want me to listen to. I'll give anything you suggest a listen :)

I also have one final request before I go, and it may seem a bit strange but here goes anyway. I'm a HUGE fan of comedian/writer Mark Watson, and have been following his blog (and indeed participating in his TYSIC by trying to be more optimistic) since he properly began it in January. He recently posted about basically trying to help those who read his blog by opening his comments up to people asking for help with their problems. And after having mine answered (thank you Mark!) I decided I want to try and do the same. I'm definitely not trying to claim I'm amazing at giving advice and that all of your problems will be solved if I answer them, but it's worth a shot and I like to think I'm pretty good at helping people deal with things like that. So, no matter how big or small, please feel free to leave your problem in a comment and I'll try my absolute best to get back to you in a post in a few days.

Besos ♥
Rachel

Change, Change, Change

Just a quick post today, nothing too exciting. Just thought I'd better address the fact that (obviously) there have been some major design changes to the blog. I was getting a bit bored of the very obvious Blogger layout so I spent all of this afternoon creating graphics (header and sidebar). Don't get me wrong, I liked the old layout and it did match my personality reasonably well but it didn't feel personalised enough...whereas I think the new layout is much more personalised and suits me better. What do you all think? (And before you all totally trash my new graphics, I spent all afternoon creating them and I don't quite know why the colour looks a bit faded, it wasn't when I uploaded them. Hmmm....)

I also have a few technical glitches with font colour on certain links, I'm aware of this and looking into fixing it. Bear with me please, I am in no way a technical person, let alone web programming/codes and that sort of thing.

In other news, my friend Eliza's throwing a charity fundraiser in May for a charity doing some amazing work. You can check out what they're doing here: http://www.sophielancasterfoundation.com

Besos ♥
Rachel

Affirmation

...is a silly word in the grand scheme of things. We all want it and we all get it, even when we feel like "nobody loves us" and "everything hates us". I suppose it's also all too ironic that I'm sitting in bed late at night (because less people are online/bothering me with mindless banter) listening to This is Me by Faith Hill. Powerful lyrics to inspire me or something like that, supposedly.

But the thing is, I can mock myself for listening to it all I want. The lyrics are inspiring me, and I don't care how 'lame' that sounds.

It's fair to say that since just before Christmas, I've been slowly spiralling downwards emotions wise. No, it wasn't fun at all and I'm not going to try and glamourise it by covering the fact that I had a serious problem up by saying "but I learnt such a fabulous lesson and it was all worth it", because I don't think that amount of months spent feeling depressed is worth anything. But I did learn something. I learnt that no matter how badly you act, how unimportant you feel, how wrapped up in your own self-righteousness you become and how boring and dull to be around you seem...there will always be somebody who thinks you act perfectly fine, somebody who thinks you're of the highest importance, somebody who knows why you're being so self-righteous and somebody who never finds you dull.

Yes, that is true.

I spent a fair bit of time reading somebody's blog tonight. I'll start by just explaining something...I wouldn't class her as somebody I 'know'. But at the same time, I know lots about her. And to be perfectly honest, she seems to symbolise everything I would hate to become, which is confusing when you think about the fact that I sat and read her entire blog. I learnt a great deal about her, why she acts so self obsessed and why she acts the way she does. I won't divulge anymore details, I'm not that sort of person, but I will say that it taught me that affirmation matters just as much to people who have 'everything' to people who have 'nothing'. And it's always justified.

Recently, I seem to have just stopped caring about affirmation from my peers. I don't know why or even how it happened, but I have. It feels good, actually, so good that I want to share something. For a long time I've been somewhat afraid of people knowing my interests. I don't know why, but I have. Perhaps because for a long time I felt opressed personality wise by some friends I had, or even perhaps because I wanted affirmation and knew I wouldn't get it. Either way, the thought of people finding out who I liked musically terrified me. Whatever.

Musically, I like to think my tastes are varied. I seem to put a barrier up that prevents me from conforming or becoming too mainstream. I've never been one to fit in with anything, so why should I be with music? I'm a self-confessed Eurovision freak, and I regularly listen to artists I discovered through previous years' contests (Dima Bilan, Sakis Rouvas). I suppose this ties in nicely with another of my strange tastes, though not musical. If I could never go to school, college, uni, work, wherever, again and could just attend regular foreign language lessons in various languages I would be perfectly happy. It seems that every year I ''fall in love'' with a new language and begin to attempt to learn it - mostly failing due to a lack of time and accurate resources. I have plans for this summer, though, and am determined to begin with Greek (via Byki software). I'm hoping to do a beginner course in either French or Italian at college (if they run the course this year) too.

^ All of that...is most definitely not cool. Unless you happen to be me, and I think it's incredibly cool. Why? Because they're my own interests, so of course I'm going to have a fairly high interest in them. And that is genuinely the only point I have on offer to justify that, but it's basically the only point I think anyone should be able to seriously use. Being able to talk about how artistic a hobby is and how significant to the world it is does not justify the fact that you like it, because you obviously only like it for the fact that it makes you seem artistic and significant. In which case you may as well slap a sign to your forehead saying "loser" for all I care.

I'm rambling, so I'll wrap the post and let you go on your merry way (that, and my friend Eliza is talking to me via Facebook chat and the screen freezes each time a new message comes up...making for a very irate blogger. Not good).

Besos ♥
Rachel

Life Through Lyrics

I've come to realise something recently: I live my life through lyrics. This probably isn't much different from anybody my age, but I like to think that I really do.

So, what I thought I'd do is just, well, post a bunch of lyrics that I feel sum up my life, who I am, things I want to accomplish etc. These are in no particular order (OK, that was bordering on game show host results style, apologies...), here are a random collection of little quotes, phrases, lyrics etc that I love.

"So dear, dear Katie, what have you done lately? I've heard it's all going on..." Dear Katie - James Blunt

"And isn't faith believing, all power can't be seen?" To Where You Are - Josh Groban

"If you hear nothing, learn from nothing, then you teach nothing when it's your turn." Understand It - Tim Minchin/Rosencrantz

"Let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, please don't stop the rain." Please Don't Stop the Rain - James Morrison

"Even when the rain falls, even when the flood starts rising, even when the storm comes - I am washed by the water." Washed By the Water - Needtobreathe

"And I still hold your hand, in mine, in mine when I'm sleep." Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt

"Don't give up, it's just the weight of the world." You Are Loved (Don't Give Up) - Josh Groban

"For somebody's sake now, please close your eyes woman. Please get some sleep...Well too much silence can be misleading. You're drifting I can hear it in the way that you're breathing." No Other Way - Jack Johnson

"You take my over analyse away. It's you and me against the world today." Brave Face - Delta Goodrem

That's it for now. I've run out of ideas and it's almost time for me to sleep (something I've been looking forward to since waking up this morning...) I may make this a weekly thing, sorta talking about the lyrics that inspired my week or something similar. Feel free to comment and speculate on why the lyrics may mean something to me, I'm interested to hear what you think :) Feel free also to comment leaving lyrics you've been inspired by. Again, I'd love to hear some :)

Besos ♥
Rachel

Very Late #FollowFriday

For those not on Twitter, basically it's a list of people you NEED to follow :)

@podski111
@fizzy_lizzie16
@stephishere
@F1698
@IchBinCallum
@cpahl2000
@baa_
@beth_lunn
@LukeeGee
@JaseBrant

@watsoncomedian
@Jason_Manford
@mermhart
@deansmith7
@james_mcquillan
@HowardEbison
@joshgroban

@fern_brown
@rlg20693

And of course myself aka @iRachey (you can follow me from the Twitter 'widget' on the left hand side of the page)

Besos ♥
Rachel

Gratitude

So, since just after Christmas I've been both blogging (semi-successfully) and trying to be an optimist (also semi-successfully). I think the second goal is less publicised - I think I've pretty much only informed myself of this aim, until now. I didn't do too well at the optimism at first, I've spent a long time being pessimistic, so I guess the adjustment was tough. I think I'm doing okay now though, I think I'm a convert.

My English teacher keeps telling our class that somebody with experience is better for giving advice than somebody without it (or something very similar, same principle), and I'm starting to think she's right - because now I'm realising that optimism is a great deal more bearable for day-to-day life than pessimism, and I feel like telling everybody.

I think I've always been a sort of...spiritual...person. Perhaps in a religious sense, perhaps not. I don't really understand it, but somehow it makes enough sense as it needs to - and that's good enough for now. I'll explain those confused ramblings now, shall I?

Recently, I've started viewing things from a considerably different opinion to before. I've started trying to find something to be grateful for in everything bad happening to me.

"You're a bitch. You look like a lesbian and a transsexual, you stupid bitch." I am grateful to be able to live with myself, knowing that I don't have insecurities as bad as the people who try to put me down. I am grateful to have met someone full of such hatred, knowing that there are people feeling worse than me.

"I don't know where your coursework's gone, someone may have stolen it. It's happened before." I am grateful for the honesty of the person who told me that. I am grateful for the many, many jokes that my friends and I have had over it since. And for those wondering, it never turned up - I am grateful to have been given an A for a piece of work that was never actually graded.

"I've seen you crying but I've never seen you this upset." I am grateful that somebody cares, that somebody pays attention, that somebody notices (and also because that little quote there has stuck in my head and I don't intend of forgetting it anytime soon).

If you're not understanding how any of that relates to being spiritual, I suppose I mean that it's a very Christian approach to take towards things. I've struggled with paranoia recently, it's not been fun and it's been hard. But I'm over it now, I can easily laugh when people think they're offending me or affecting me. I can laugh at how people think they're being sneaky by talking about me and laughing whilst actually looking at me. During times like these, I am grateful to have the moral highground.

I used to care what others thought, not only people I vaguely knew, but my closest friends. Now, I really don't care what people I vaguely know think, and my friends should know the real me - if they don't, well, they're not real friends. I've realised that insecurities are only a problem if we let them be. And I'm not going to be the loser in this battle...

In other news in my life, we have a newly decorated living room...and I've had a permanent paint fume induced headache for a week. Oh well, I'll get over it. I've also realised what my Spanish teacher means when she says that it annoys her when one of her languages comes to her, but not the one she wants, when she's trying to think of a word. I've started doing it with English/Spanish and also Spanish/Croatian. Can't be a bad thing though, it means it's staying in my head. Seen as I have an extended summer holiday this year (well, sort of anyway), I'm thinking of beginning another language (as in teaching myself). Any suggestions guys?

Besos ♥
Rachel

PS: I know the visitor counter on the left hand side looks rubbish, it's mostly for my own purposes (i.e. knowing how many people have visited the blog). I'll look into making it look prettier soon (:

Happy 1st Month Anniversary and a Message

So, apparently (I think) today is the one month anniversary of my blog, and if not, it's certainly close. It would be easier if February had slightly more days than just 28 - I mean, come on, who thought that idea up? 28 days as opposed to 30 or 31, madness...

I wish I had something celebratory and upbeat to say today, after all, it is a rare occasion for me to blog during a school week, particularly on a school night. But, unfortunately I don't. It's quite the opposite.

In fact, I don't even have anything in particular to say - but I feel like I should not only because it's the one month anniversary, but because I feel like I have a point to prove.

I'm just a person.

I hurt just as much as the next person. I beat myself up over failings just as much as everybody else. I want people to accept me for who I am just as much as you do.

And when people don't realise this, it's often too much to bear. Especially when I've done something that they should have been doing and then they've had a go at me over it. This makes no sense, I realise, I don't like elaborating on things like this in case the people I'm talking about read it - it's not worth the hassle.

This fact has gone round and round in my head these past few days, though mostly right now as I'm dealing with ''a situation'' that's neither pleasant nor good. I have Spanish work to do this evening, I'm almost glad as it will hopefully distract my mind from thinking.

On the plus side, though, Dusty had her final vets appointment at 4:10 this afternoon and she's doing well. I didn't get to see ''the nice vet'' which is perhaps good as I was almost in tears (long story) and he's that nice that even him just saying ''hello'' may have set me off crying. Not good. But she's doing well and there doesn't seem to be a problem with her.

Whoever or whatever worked their magic for her, thank you :)

Con el amor, la confusión y la frustración,
Rachel

PS: I'm rather proud of my Fern getting 50/50 on a piece of coursework and 49/50 on the other. She's just that amazing :)

PPS: I've just remembered I have a jab on Wednesday. Oh dear...