Affirmation

...is a silly word in the grand scheme of things. We all want it and we all get it, even when we feel like "nobody loves us" and "everything hates us". I suppose it's also all too ironic that I'm sitting in bed late at night (because less people are online/bothering me with mindless banter) listening to This is Me by Faith Hill. Powerful lyrics to inspire me or something like that, supposedly.

But the thing is, I can mock myself for listening to it all I want. The lyrics are inspiring me, and I don't care how 'lame' that sounds.

It's fair to say that since just before Christmas, I've been slowly spiralling downwards emotions wise. No, it wasn't fun at all and I'm not going to try and glamourise it by covering the fact that I had a serious problem up by saying "but I learnt such a fabulous lesson and it was all worth it", because I don't think that amount of months spent feeling depressed is worth anything. But I did learn something. I learnt that no matter how badly you act, how unimportant you feel, how wrapped up in your own self-righteousness you become and how boring and dull to be around you seem...there will always be somebody who thinks you act perfectly fine, somebody who thinks you're of the highest importance, somebody who knows why you're being so self-righteous and somebody who never finds you dull.

Yes, that is true.

I spent a fair bit of time reading somebody's blog tonight. I'll start by just explaining something...I wouldn't class her as somebody I 'know'. But at the same time, I know lots about her. And to be perfectly honest, she seems to symbolise everything I would hate to become, which is confusing when you think about the fact that I sat and read her entire blog. I learnt a great deal about her, why she acts so self obsessed and why she acts the way she does. I won't divulge anymore details, I'm not that sort of person, but I will say that it taught me that affirmation matters just as much to people who have 'everything' to people who have 'nothing'. And it's always justified.

Recently, I seem to have just stopped caring about affirmation from my peers. I don't know why or even how it happened, but I have. It feels good, actually, so good that I want to share something. For a long time I've been somewhat afraid of people knowing my interests. I don't know why, but I have. Perhaps because for a long time I felt opressed personality wise by some friends I had, or even perhaps because I wanted affirmation and knew I wouldn't get it. Either way, the thought of people finding out who I liked musically terrified me. Whatever.

Musically, I like to think my tastes are varied. I seem to put a barrier up that prevents me from conforming or becoming too mainstream. I've never been one to fit in with anything, so why should I be with music? I'm a self-confessed Eurovision freak, and I regularly listen to artists I discovered through previous years' contests (Dima Bilan, Sakis Rouvas). I suppose this ties in nicely with another of my strange tastes, though not musical. If I could never go to school, college, uni, work, wherever, again and could just attend regular foreign language lessons in various languages I would be perfectly happy. It seems that every year I ''fall in love'' with a new language and begin to attempt to learn it - mostly failing due to a lack of time and accurate resources. I have plans for this summer, though, and am determined to begin with Greek (via Byki software). I'm hoping to do a beginner course in either French or Italian at college (if they run the course this year) too.

^ All of that...is most definitely not cool. Unless you happen to be me, and I think it's incredibly cool. Why? Because they're my own interests, so of course I'm going to have a fairly high interest in them. And that is genuinely the only point I have on offer to justify that, but it's basically the only point I think anyone should be able to seriously use. Being able to talk about how artistic a hobby is and how significant to the world it is does not justify the fact that you like it, because you obviously only like it for the fact that it makes you seem artistic and significant. In which case you may as well slap a sign to your forehead saying "loser" for all I care.

I'm rambling, so I'll wrap the post and let you go on your merry way (that, and my friend Eliza is talking to me via Facebook chat and the screen freezes each time a new message comes up...making for a very irate blogger. Not good).

Besos ♥
Rachel