Sleepy...

I did have something lined up to post today (only in my head though) - but I've suffered a 9 hour 'shift' at my dad's office with just him and my grandad for company...and I've completely forgotten whatever it was that I wanted to post about. Great. So, welcome to today's makeshift blog post...

I've been trying not to spend much time at all sitting and just thinking about stuff this summer - it's something that I'm incredibly good at but, unfortunately, it isn't good for me. As the summer slowly draws to a close I can feel myself letting stupid thoughts creep into my head slightly more than usual, and I kind of don't mind that but at the same time, I kind of do. I know there's no point in forcing myself to not think about anything but I also know that it's equally as pointless thinking about things for no reason.

I also feel like I'm making more of an effort with certain friendships I have. These people have been people that I've liked and respected for a long time but have never been close to, but I think I've got closer to them over the summer and I like that fact...a lot. I know that college is definitely going to change all of that, but at the moment it's not a big deal to me because for the first time in a long, long while...I feel confident about my friendships and I have friends that I trust. That sounds like I've never really had friends. I have, but I tend to invest a lot of time, effort and emotion into one person who lets me down eventually. And this is a cycle that repeats itself more than I'd like it to - a lot more.

Part of it comes from my own inability to confront people. My friends, family, teachers etc always say that I need to stick up for myself a bit more but I just hate the idea of having an argument with somebody. There never seems to be an appropriate moment for it and I imagine all of the bad things that could come from it and it just puts me off talking about things with people. I've also never had much experience of talking to a friend about a problem between us and it being resolved. I've tried and tried to figure out why this is and I really don't have an explanation - that fact winds me up a hell of a lot. Sometimes I think that maybe it's because I've always been one of the oldest in my year at school, form group etc, and therefore I've always experienced things before my friends have - with some of them, almost a year before them - and when you're our age, a year is like a decade.

I suppose my sudden thoughts on it stem from the fact that I'm thinking of college as being a new start and I don't want my bad habits to follow me there and affect any decision I might make. Everybody I know who has already gone to college has made tons of new friends and they're still friends with them now - so while I know that I won't make ''tons of new friends'' because I'm not like that, I hope that I will make some. I'm not saying that my current friends aren't good enough, because they absolutely 100% are, but I just want to experience new things and meet new people - as well as keeping some of the 'old' ones in my life. It can't be that hard, can it?

OK, so I might regret saying that by the time college has started and I'm knee deep in essays, essays and more essays, but for some reason I feel quite optimistic about life at the moment and I don't care how naive that may sound. At the end of the day, I'm only going to be this carefree once and I might as well make the most of it while I still can - and I haven't got long left in comparison to if I'd said that when I was about 3 years old... That doesn't necessarily (or at all, really) mean that you'll be able to find me drunk in a bus shelter every Friday, Saturday and Sunday night... but it does mean living and enjoying life.

I enjoyed school, I enjoyed it a lot. I met people who inspired me and found things that I love to do. But, and this is a big issue for me, I kind of feel like I've missed out on being ''a typical teen'' and while that's not necessarily a bad thing, it's not necessarily a good thing either. I've pretty much spent the past two years solidly revising, working, writing essays, doing homework, memorising stuff, typing stuff, organising stuff etc etc and while I have to admit that there is something very fulfilling about being busy most of the time, it does suck the fun out of life quite a lot.

So, there you have it - makeshift blog. The 'theme' of this was possibly the one I came up with and then stupidly forgot, possibly not. Hope it wasn't too boring/self-indulgent. Anyway, I have emails to sort through, a booklet full of college homework to find and a phone to charge up. Have a good evening.

Besos ♥
Rachel