Cracked

I know I've already posted once today, so I'm writing this late at night so it'll get published tomorrow, even if it's early morning.

I'm hurting about something, and I don't know what more I can do to try and stop that hurt. Some of it comes down to the amount of effort I put into things and the lack of effort in return, some of it comes down to five years that feel wasted, some of it comes down to a sense of ignorance. I said I wasn't going to talk about this, but I am, because I'm tired of feeling like the bad guy and I need to justify myself somehow...somewhere.

As far as I see it, when a friendship is starting to break up, there are two options:
1) Accept within yourself what is happening and go with it, remaining friendly with the other(s) involved;
2) Meaning to make that effort to keep the friendship going...but never following through with the intention.

I'm aware that I'm obviously writing from a biased point of view, because I'm not going to just slag myself off on here because a) there's no real point in that and b) I know that I am, at least partially, correct to have taken things this way.

So, you talk to the person involved and be honest, because they've always maintained they want people to be honest with them. You come to the conclusion that they need to think about things and get back to you about how they feel, fair enough. Makes sense, right? But then the only problem is that you're torn between 5 years of friendship, or following your gut instinct. I won't say what that instinct is, because it'll make me seem like a bad person, but I will say that there does come a point when something cannot be repaired. And I'm starting to question whether this is one of those things...

To be honest, I'm tried of being the one picking up the pieces...but never being supported, I'm tired of being the friend who sits up for hours talking through problems and offering solutions...but who gets nothing but a very ''on the fence'' comment in return and a swift change of topic. I'm sick of being the one putting in maximum effort and seeing nothing being repaid, and I'm sick of being the one who is continually left out of the loop...but still expected to know all about the loop. I haven't got the time, energy or emotion to deal with it all anymore. I've never been this selfish, but I think maybe I need to be this time.

I don't have my teachers to sort out problems for me anymore, and I don't even want them to. We've left school and whether we like it or not, we have to do this by ourselves. I dislike it as much as the next person, but I'm willing to do it to make sure that things are OK. I've put in every effort I have, it's someone else's turn to figure out the rest...because I can't do it for them anymore.

I've decided that 2011 is going to be a good year. It has to be, because I've had that much crap this year that not much else could top it. I've also decided that I'm not going into 2011 without having dealt with the problems of this year and put them behind me. It's going to be a challenge for this one, because I'm still not sure that there's any genuine emotion in the situation except mine...but with others I've managed to do it because their reactions to things that happened showed me then, and still do now, that they genuinely never meant any harm. And believe me, I'm big enough to admit when I'm wrong, because I now realise I was probably very wrong in how I dealt with something earlier this year and I want to fix that. I'm in no way saying that I'm perfect, but I think I've put enough effort into this situation to be allowed a few rants like this one...

Besos ♥
Rachel