The Quiet One

He wants to communicate. He wants to be the sort of person who makes a simple statement that sums up all feelings with cutting precision. He wants to be that conversationalist who never has to repeat a trivial point because nobody understands it due to its correct grammar and sophisticated lexis. He wants to never have to explain himself twice, three times, four times, just to keep the conversation going.

And she longs to sit at her little wooden desk and let the poetry and lyrics swirling inside her head naturally transform from being jumbled, adolescent thoughts to neat, petite verses upon the pages of her leather-bound notebook. It was a birthday present from a friend, and someday she will use it to prove that she is who she has always longed to be - that person who is just understood, no questions asked; that person who can articulate every emotion without hesitance.

They both crave the ability to look their teachers in the eye when they converse, to just be the confident one for a change. They yearn to be rid of the chains of their age that tie them down, dampening any opinions formed and barring their freedom of speech. They lust after somebody to come along who can say the things that they can never bring themselves to say anywhere but inside their own heads, somebody who is literally everything they appear to be.

He aches to be a storyteller, taking you on a journey of emotion and drawing you to a fairly nonsensical yet oddly uplifting ending. She wishes she could lay all her thoughts out for the world to see - no embarrassment, no apologies. He probably does too, his eyes speak the words he can never say, they speak of oppression and persecution.

And, really, these are their thoughts, bare, sitting on this page with fragility and vulnerability, silently seeking the affirmation they need. And I am the words they can never quite bring to mind. I represent people all over this world, people who are afraid to say what they mean. I have been here for millennia. I am humble, simple and stative. I know I have been served well, but inside I am begging for a change - begging to see these people I have come to know so well be different, be daring. I long for a new, exciting vocabulary, one that speaks of issues and bucks the stereotypes that have held us all back for so long. I desire an optimistic outlook to be forced upon me with which I can apply the vocabulary I feel I have earnt over time. But, I know them all too well. I will be spoken from the mouths of him and her, from the mouths of everybody all over this diminutive planet. I know the world will continue changing for centuries to come, but alas, I know I will remain the same.

Christmas!

Feliz Navidad, Joyeux Noel, Fröhliche Weihnachten, Kala Christouyenna, Feliz Natal and Sretan Bozic! Just a quick post to say Merry Christmas and I hope that everybody who reads this has a lovely day full of 'festive cheer' etc.

Besos ♥
Rachel

Under a Streetlight

If you're reading this, you've probably already noticed. If not, I'm pleased to announce that The Details in the Fabric is now Under a Streetlight.

With a new year looming, I felt like the blog should in some way match the changes I'm going to make, so here we are. I'll probably re-design again around spring time to give the blog a lighter feel. Right now, I think the colour scheme matches the wintery feel to everything in my life right now. I'm currently making the headers to swap over for each season while I still have a free trial of Photoshop. Spring will be a nice green, summer perhaps pink-ish, autumn oranges and auburns and winter black-ish.

I chose song lyrics as the blog title, just as with The Details in the Fabric. You can listen to Joshua Radin - Streetlight here. When I first heard the song, I fell in love with it. I like the idea of there always being somewhere to turn when it's too dark to see (the streetlight) - I find it somewhat metaphorical of 'that one friend that you can always turn to for advice when everything is just too much'. The lyrics tend to hint towards this metaphor too, and the song holds a lot of positive resonance for me.

Therefore, bearing in mind this metaphor, I'd like to 'dedicate' this change of title and appearance to Fern and Eliza - two friends who I wouldn't be able to function properly without. Throughout everything they've stuck by me and are always around to offer me advice and help me out with anything I ask them to. I'd like to say they've both had their own problems...but Fern seems to be one of those lucky people who gets through life without having much go wrong. So, Eliza's had her fair share of problems too...but has always been there for me and everybody else no matter what. Fern is generally found with the common sense advice of ''forgetting about it'', which doesn't always work first time but always works in the long run.

So, there we have it. New title, new graphics, new appearance. Hopefully a new blogger (don't worry, I'm not going anywhere...) next year when I start to finally get over some 'stuff' and become a lot more positive...

Besos ♥
Rachel

I'll sing it one last time for you...

UPDATE: Links to some of the Thursday performances have been added to the bottom

Last week brought the first PROPER choir performance we've done yet. Sure, we've done two performances at college open evenings, but they weren't proper performances - the audience weren't there just to see us. On Wednesday we performed our Christmas Concert at St Giles' Church in Pontefract. Rob (Choirmaster) was very obviously freaking out before the concert started ("Has anybody got mints? I need something to distract me..." showed us all that much).

It wasn't the best turn out ever, but it was rubbish weather and we had enough people turn up to make it worthwhile. We also performed for the Senior Citizens' Christmas Party on Thursday afternoon and did the same set as on Wednesday. The piano was quite out of tune, so we didn't give the best performances ever, but they all seemed to enjoy it.

Thursday was a fairly horrible day, so I was glad to have the performance in the afternoon to distract me. Rob and the choir managed to cheer me up quite considerably, and I've since realised how much being a part of the choir means to me. I also got to see Chloe (my 'form friend') perform her solo for the first time on Wednesday then again on Thursday...she's SO talented but didn't believe she did a good job with the first performance.

I actually missed having a rehearsal on Friday lunchtime (we finished college at lunchtime), it's always one of the highlights of the week. We did have an Amnesty meeting this week though, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Adam (President of group) bought me a 'present' (it was a Cadbury's selection box) for being the person who worked the most/best on the stall throughout the Greetings Card Campaign. We did a group brainstorm of ideas to celebrate the good things we've done since September and eventually took a group photo, sung Happy Birthday to Eliza (she wasn't too thrilled with that though...) then did a group 'woo' (Oliver's idea). We did get some actual Amnesty-related stuff done too, but it was mainly our own little Christmas party (we also had Christmas food - thanks Adam! - and Christmas songs playing).

I think it's fair to say that choir and Amnesty are pretty much the only reasons I've stayed at college this long. I somehow managed to get through my week of torturous things in my lessons, didn't think it was possible but I did. I was probably very distracted through Thursday and Friday, but still, I got through it. I'll be back at some point between now and Saturday to wish you all a Merry Christmas, but for now good luck with all of the shopping etc ;)

Besos ♥
Rachel

Links:
Sussex Carol
Silent Night
There are links to two other songs on my page or down the right-hand suggestions box thingy :) Enjoy! (And please remember we're not even a year old and didn't have much rehearsal time due to the snow :P)

PS: I've added a 'Video Bar' at the bottom of the posts so you can link to all the choir videos I've put up easily :)
PPS: I've also added one for my non-choir videos :)
If you click on the video whilst watching it, it'll take you to the YouTube page for it, you can then click my username to find more videos.

Understanding

Sometimes, there are people who you understand - and who understand you - on a level that can't be explained. Eliza is one of those people, and I am so thankful for that.

Her answer to a message about what I can buy her for her birthday on Wednesday:
"And if you still don't find anything, donate some money to charity and write in a card for me who you sent it to."

She is the only person that would understand why I'm writing this because of what she sent to me. She also keeps writing about me on her blog so I figured I better start playing catch up before I get too behind ;)

Besos ♥
Rachel

Cracked

I know I've already posted once today, so I'm writing this late at night so it'll get published tomorrow, even if it's early morning.

I'm hurting about something, and I don't know what more I can do to try and stop that hurt. Some of it comes down to the amount of effort I put into things and the lack of effort in return, some of it comes down to five years that feel wasted, some of it comes down to a sense of ignorance. I said I wasn't going to talk about this, but I am, because I'm tired of feeling like the bad guy and I need to justify myself somehow...somewhere.

As far as I see it, when a friendship is starting to break up, there are two options:
1) Accept within yourself what is happening and go with it, remaining friendly with the other(s) involved;
2) Meaning to make that effort to keep the friendship going...but never following through with the intention.

I'm aware that I'm obviously writing from a biased point of view, because I'm not going to just slag myself off on here because a) there's no real point in that and b) I know that I am, at least partially, correct to have taken things this way.

So, you talk to the person involved and be honest, because they've always maintained they want people to be honest with them. You come to the conclusion that they need to think about things and get back to you about how they feel, fair enough. Makes sense, right? But then the only problem is that you're torn between 5 years of friendship, or following your gut instinct. I won't say what that instinct is, because it'll make me seem like a bad person, but I will say that there does come a point when something cannot be repaired. And I'm starting to question whether this is one of those things...

To be honest, I'm tried of being the one picking up the pieces...but never being supported, I'm tired of being the friend who sits up for hours talking through problems and offering solutions...but who gets nothing but a very ''on the fence'' comment in return and a swift change of topic. I'm sick of being the one putting in maximum effort and seeing nothing being repaid, and I'm sick of being the one who is continually left out of the loop...but still expected to know all about the loop. I haven't got the time, energy or emotion to deal with it all anymore. I've never been this selfish, but I think maybe I need to be this time.

I don't have my teachers to sort out problems for me anymore, and I don't even want them to. We've left school and whether we like it or not, we have to do this by ourselves. I dislike it as much as the next person, but I'm willing to do it to make sure that things are OK. I've put in every effort I have, it's someone else's turn to figure out the rest...because I can't do it for them anymore.

I've decided that 2011 is going to be a good year. It has to be, because I've had that much crap this year that not much else could top it. I've also decided that I'm not going into 2011 without having dealt with the problems of this year and put them behind me. It's going to be a challenge for this one, because I'm still not sure that there's any genuine emotion in the situation except mine...but with others I've managed to do it because their reactions to things that happened showed me then, and still do now, that they genuinely never meant any harm. And believe me, I'm big enough to admit when I'm wrong, because I now realise I was probably very wrong in how I dealt with something earlier this year and I want to fix that. I'm in no way saying that I'm perfect, but I think I've put enough effort into this situation to be allowed a few rants like this one...

Besos ♥
Rachel

You Call That News?

I wasn't going to do a post today, mainly because the only thing I could write about would more than likely be read by the person it'd be about, and I can't be bothered with that drama. Needless to say, things have happened and pretending they haven't is just stupid.

I spoke to my counsellor about what happened and she agreed that the actions I took were a good way of dealing with it. It's relieving to know someone's ''on my side'', I'm not used to that feeling.

Anyway, most of my week has been spent working on my media project. We have to make a Project A - a print-based piece - and a Project B - a moving image piece (unless we choose a magazine, when it's all print-based). I chose to do an advertising campaign for a TV show I invented (You Call That News?) I've spent every evening this week minus Wednesday when I was at consultation evening in college working on my print-based pieces.

There was some mini-drama when my teacher emailed me basically telling me to start again, and because of how much work had gone into the piece I did genuinely cry (I know, I need some real problems, right?) I eventually followed her advice and I now have two new posters (one a magazine/newspaper advert, one a billboard advert...it's HUGE). I think they look quite good, and they also look quite convincing as adverts so I'm happy with what I've done, and I definitely feel more confident with them than the one I did originally.

I'm glad I've finished what I can do without seeing my teacher tonight, it means all I have to do over the weekend is:
- Re-draft my Media research report;
- Do my Spanish presentation again because college computers have stopped opening the original;
- Prepare ANOTHER Spanish presentation on Rafael Nadal, ready to be interviewed by the entire class on Tuesday. Hate, hate, hate;
- Revise Spanish listenings and readings for a make up test on Monday;
- Fill in the tense sheets for...wait for it...Spanish;
- Revise for my English Language mock on Monday;
- Finish preparing for the 15 minute narrative theory lesson I have to give in Media on Tuesday;
- Revise for my English Language mock on Wednesday;
- Revise for my English Language mock on Thursday;
- Fill in a sheet on a video watched in class for Psychology;
- Find out about choir rehearsals next week;
- Fill out another stupid CoPE sheet and email it to the teacher.

Yuck. I could genuinely scream at the amount of Spanish I have to do. The teacher honestly made up the Rafael Nadal task as the lesson progressed this morning, totally filled me with confidence. At least we finish at lunchtime on Friday, so I miss two lessons and only have to come in for Spanish, I'll probably get my mum to pick me up, though part of me wants to stay until lunchtime a) because buses will still be running as they should so I won't have to cram onto a single decker and b) college is much more fun when you have no cares. Plus I can have a day at college where I can take a small bag and only one folder. Going in is worth it purely for that reason to be honest. I could always use the time to start planning my Beginners' Spanish lessons...

Yes, after Christmas I'll be teaching beginners' Spanish in college for 6 weeks for my next CoPE project. Judith (Head of MFL) was really enthusiastic about me doing it when I suggested it to her and said it was a really good idea, so I'm finally a bit excited about Spanish again.

AND I might be going to Bella Italia on Friday, which equals amazing salad dressing. It's the small things in life...

I also have an Amnesty International placard at the top right of the blog now, if you click it it'll take you to the Protect the Human site. Please check out the really important work that Amnesty do. It really does make a difference, no matter how small. I've spent the past two days campaigning in college for their annual Greetings Card Campaign and the stories I had to learn about really touched me, particularlythe story of Ferhat Gerçek. My card will be going to him, as well as any others who haven't had any cards yet. We will be sending cards to everybody in the campaign, it's something that's important to us.

Hope you all have great weekends :)

Besos ♥
Rachel

Sociedad

[Sociedad = society in Spanish]

'Sociedad' is a word that I have read and written repeatedly for easily over an hour now. I thought I'd better do something productive before college finally re-opens tomorrow (I have Spanish first, go figure...) I decided to do some more work on my oral exam preparation and write the remainder of my answers for the 'Music and Fashion' section. Never. Again.

The music questions were fine, they were varied enough to be able to write different, decent answers to each. The fashion ones? Ay! They were all pretty much the same, but I still had to write a paragraph on each. I'd have been fine if I'd ignored the answer criteria and just written, but because I had to include different tenses, I'd have already answered #4 in one of the previous questions so I had to repeat myself or make something up. I still have the technology and relationships sections to write about. Technology isn't too bad, it's a bit repetitive but at least the general topic area doesn't make me want to hit something/shout at someone. It's a start, right?

I found a Facebook group for Media students at my college. I was firstly amused at the fact it only had 27 members (and only 2 'admins' even though there are 4 teachers...3 of whom definitely having Facebook accounts), and then annoyed when I saw a post by Paul, my theory teacher, giving info on what we should/could do while we've been off. Why he couldn't have sent it via college email...which is how communication generally always is...I don't know. Bless him for trying though, he even commented on how pointless it probably was due to the majority (if not all) of the members being students that have now left. Gotta admire him for trying. His display pic is also majorly amusing.

I did get to meet up with Becky today. She ended up sledging down a hill near my house on a ripped charity bag. I was useless at it so I gave up after a while. Anyway, getting back on the topic of 'sociedad', two things really annoyed me today: the first being the fact that nobody who lives on my street cleared any snow so we could get cars out...except my family...the second being the thoroughly selfish attitude of people I know. I can't be bothered explaining the first annoyance any further, I've never pretended to like the people I live near so it's no surprise that they're annoying me once again.

The second annoyance really, really wound me up. It most probably shouldn't, but it did. It's been forming for a few days now, but today it finally got to me... I can't stand hearing or reading all of these pathetically selfish comments about schools and colleges opening tomorrow. Everytime I read a status on Facebook or a tweet on Twitter where somebody is actually criticising them for opening tomorrow if possible, I want to scream. Somebody in year ten at my old school actually uploaded a picture of the school and a member of staff with a spade clearing snow to Facebook earlier. The caption? "DOES THIS MEAN THERE'S SCHOOL TOMORROW?!" I'm sorry, but it's hardly breaking news, is it? Someone actually commented on the picture with: "who is that with the fricking shovel? they are desperate arnt they!? x" Firstly, it's just a shovel, not a ''fricking shovel'', secondly, I'd like the people being so lazy to have to be the ones clearing the snow. I walked past the school early this afternoon and there was only the Acting Head there. That's it. Why the hell can't people be thankful and grateful that people are working so hard to do something good for them? I'm pretty sure most teachers would like another day off, but they have to go and work...and so do we. That's just how it is.

I'm sorry if you're reading this and you are one of those people, it just really winds me up how the vast majority of people my age see their teachers as their enemies. It's a mentality I have never understood and, quite frankly, I hope that I never do. I like being the sort of person who appreciates the lengths people go to and have gone to for me. There's nothing wrong with that, but there is with being selfish...

And now my rant for the day is over, I'm going to tidy up all this Spanish stuff and get a shower. Buenas noches.

Besos ♥
Rachel

"You've got rise, don't just stand there open your eyes, shame, shame, shame on you." - Rise - Ben's Brother

PS: Looks like I'll be able to go to Mark Watson on Saturday after all. And I haven't even picked up my Psychology textbook (as mentioned in yesterday's post), someone can set me some work if they want me to catch up - I'm not guessing which topics we'll be covering and hoping I'm right.

Snowed In

Today is day 2 of being snowed in. Tomorrow will be day 3 of being off college. Thankfully, I might get to see Becky (cousin) so I can finally enjoy the snow a little rather than just clearing it off the path or being stuck in the house. I don't even have anything to blog about, but I'm going insane just sitting around. None of my teachers have even emailed me work to do, and since Monday was the only day at college this week, I don't even have any outstanding homework.

I've spent the past two days listening to Mat Kearney. That's pretty much it. Yesterday morning, I ended up trekking to the shop for supplies at 8:15am, that was interesting. I only fell off the pavement twice... Anyway, back to Mat Kearney. If you're as bored as I am, I suggest you YouTube him now. He's one of those artists whose lyrics are pretty dull...but there are a few stand-out lines that really resonate with me.

I'm going to have to find something interesting to do tomorrow. I don't care what it is, anything's better than this... I think I'm going to write out some more Spanish oral questions and skim through my Psychology textbook to see what we'll be catching up on. Apparently we're already behind as a class anyway, so the next few weeks are going to be fun...not. At least I've had a few days to gather my thoughts and chill out a bit. The constant working was starting to get on top of me again.

I am worrying slightly that the snow will stop me being able to see Mark Watson in Halifax on Saturday. And, as sad as it sounds, I will cry if I can't. I even looked up hotel rooms overnight. It'd be a lot easier to get one if there weren't three of us going. Damn odd numbers. Always disliked them.

The highlight of the day was picking out the camera I'm getting for Christmas online. That's about it. That, and watching my bunny eating snow. It's actually cuter than when she yawns, and that's saying a lot. Sidenote: If you have a rabbit, feed them a bit of snow, it's the best fun ever ;)

Anyway, if anybody wants some snow and doesn't have any, head to Wakefield, we've got more than enough.

Besos ♥
Rachel

PS: Happy 1st December everybody :)