Tonight's blog may be a little heavy in a few places and is guaranteed to be confusing in many, so I apologise in advance if it doesn't make much sense. I have a few things that I want to get off my chest, and none of them really link in fully with the others. But here goes anyway...
I realised some things tonight while contemplating life (as you do...) and looking through my school yearbook.
1) I don't miss school
2) College is my new normal
3) It's alright that I don't miss school
4) It's alright that college is my new normal
I don't miss school, I genuinely, honestly don't. I thought I always would, and I always believed that it would always be my favourite memory ever, my favourite period of time ever etc etc. Truth is, it probably always will be, and I have to accept that. But if I'm being 100% honest, I don't miss it. I mean, I still do miss school a little. When I'm struggling to deal with my workload or if I get a bit upset during the college day, I miss my teachers and I miss knowing the system inside-out. Other than that, it's not that bad. And it's alright that I don't miss school, I'm not betraying myself by admitting that.
I always seemed to have this belief that by missing school, I'd somehow be betraying myself/school/my teachers. Stupid, right? Well it's how I thought, and I realise now that it was a pretty silly outlook, but it was the one I had nonetheless...and it's one that's ensured that my first half term at college has been, well, less than smooth. Leaving school is a huge thing, and no matter which way I look at it, I don't think I could have acted any differently when handling it...but I'm no longer at school, I'm at college, and it's alright that I enjoy myself and actually begin to forget some of the little details of school that are no longer important...
I don't need to remember which room every teacher was in when I left, I don't need to remember my timetable and I don't even need to remember my teachers' names...but I do want to remember them. It's about choosing what to carry forward with me and what I can forget. I'm choosing to remember what I learnt, the memories I made and the people who inspired me, and that's great, that's fantastic, but I'm also choosing to leave behind the things that I don't want to remember and cloud over my life...and that's equally as great and fantastic.
I get up on a Monday, go to college, come home...and the system repeats itself until the end of the day on Friday. That's how it works, and that's how my life is. It's my routine, it's my normal, and slowly...it's starting to feel normal too. That's pretty much all I have to say on the subject to be honest, but it's a pretty important realisation for me. Basically, it's alright that college is my new normal and school isn't. That's it.
College is even kinda fun. Yep, I said it. Fun. I've made friends with a girl in my form, Chloe, who is also in my English class and choir, and she's really nice and we have a lot in common. When I started college, I didn't know a single person in my form, and that was the most worrying thing about college for me. Now? I talk to Chloe a lot...she even came and sat with me in a free we share when she didn't know where else to go. Maybe she was using me a little, but I really don't care. It shows something, and I like that.
And then there's my English class. Unlike at GCSE, when I really didn't like the class, I love the class. There isn't a single person in there who I don't like. Everybody seems to just get along, and I know that it's down to Jonathan (one of our two teachers) making us do so much group work. I recognised that a long while back and I'm actually incredibly thankful for it, because it means that I walk into my English room and feel happy. You can't put a price on that kind of thing. My Psychology class is equally as fun. I don't like everybody in there, but my teacher is pretty awesome and, as a whole, the class is good.
These things, they're new and they're scary, but they're also exciting and fun if we're willing to let them be. And you know what, I reckon that's the trick to everything: recognise the fear, and conquer it. (I know those points aren't exactly linked, but I think it's true regardless).
Besos ♥
Rachel
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