There's nothing more to gather

I had a pretty hideous day today. It started off badly and got worse. I spent lunchtime trying not to cry, which I'm pretty sure at least one of my friends mistook for me being in a mood with them, but I don't really care right now to be honest.

I found a song today that sums up how I feel right now, Do You Wanna by Joshua Radin - "you're on your knees, picking up the pieces from your past, but there's nothing more to gather". I'm still battling with some...issues...regarding friendships. If I'm honest, the one thing I'm bothered about is that a) I always have to arrange doing something out of college, nobody else is willing to and b) I'm fed up of always hearing about all the fun things my friends are doing out of college and not being invited anywhere, even though I always invite everyone when we go places as a group and I'm organising it. I think the feeling I'm describing here is one of being undervalued and unimportant. 

It started by having to sit with two of my friends while they looked at holidays for next summer, it might sound pathetic, but it just felt rubbish to have to sit there with no other option because nobody else was free while my friends planned something without me again. I wouldn't have wanted to go with them on a holiday, that's not what I'm saying at all, it's just the most recent example. It's like they all enjoy making a point of what they're doing to wind me up. Is it really so wrong to just want to go somewhere and do something?

We used to go places all the time, last summer, after exams and after leaving school. I don't understand how a year has passed and we've barely done anything. People have more money now than when we were at school, but my friends seem to spend it on anything but doing things as a group. I'm generalising, obviously, some of my friends never do that, some always do. 

I'm not the sort of person that can just stay in the house all week and weekend without going anywhere or doing anything, but I don't have a social life at all. I just wanna go back to how we were this time last year, is that too much to ask for?

Besos ♥
Rachel