Good Enough

Today was just one of those days where nothing gets done, nobody says anything the right way, nobody gets any good news, only bad. 

I'm dealing with a wide range of insecurities at the moment - about myself, my grades, my friends, how people view me, etc etc - and without going into too much detail...there's something that I always do when I feel the most insecure, and it's not that great (don't worry about me, it's not bad in any sense) so I'm trying to stop it. I think I use it as a way of diverting all of me from what's really going on in my life.

Today made me realise that I don't have much control over my own life, way less than I'd like or prefer. I also realised that it's going to be tough to deal with how I react to my insecurities when people in my life are so adamant at constantly dragging them up (mainly without even realising, sometimes without even intending to).

My worst is paranoia. It stems from when I found out the reason why I got put in a different form to my 'best' friends. Even though my closest friend, Fern, is only my friend because we ended up in the same form (instead of me with my 'best' friends), I guess I just can't shake that betrayal, probably mainly because I never got given the chance to face it and tell the person that caused it how much it hurt me. The fall out from this one, pretty stupid, event still affects me even now, when I no longer speak to that person (or if I do, it's about 3 words once a year and they're always perfectly civil and nice). I've forgiven this person completely, but it's my own feelings from it that I can't seem to get over.

I'm going to be honest here, because I just can't be bothered hiding things anymore. My friends at the moment are GREAT at making me paranoid...going off for little 'walks' right after I'm alone with one of them...it's always so obvious that they want to talk about me. Sending odd texts, refusing to let me join in with conversations, being so unaccepting of my opinions, mishearing things followed by getting irate because I've ''offended'' them and then refusing to listen when I say that I didn't actually say what they thought I said, choosing to create arguments instead. Sometimes it's like they just can't be bothered with me, but instead of being honest with me and telling me what I'm doing that they don't like, they just pretend it's all fine and leave me out of things instead. 

In short, I'm fed up of being lonely. If I don't organise something for me and my friends to do, they won't bother, but then they do things in smaller groups amongst themselves. I know that this is a fairly open rant and I'm also aware that some of my friends read this (one in particular, who I really don't want to be offended by any of what I've said) - I'm just sick and tired of always feeling in the background and unliked.

This feeling of being unliked inevitably causes me to drift from my friends a lot, which then makes them think I don't like them, which starts the circle again, but I've been hurt by so many people and I don't know how long I can go on being friends with people that won't be honest with me. Maybe I am just being paranoid, to be honest, I probably am, but if I am...why go around whispering things and acting like there's an issue I'm missing. 

But then, arguably, how can I expect my friends to like me when I don't even like myself? I've been that beaten down by people that I don't even view myself as a good or likeable person. And I don't know how to get out of this mess of being insecure and being friends with people that just take advantage of me and my hospitality and willingness to do and arrange things. I don't know how to get out of the cycle of ''friends > lonely > friends > lonely''. Ironically, one of the nicest people towards me is James, who I walk to/from the bus stop with most days (he lives round the corner, literally, from me) - and he constantly takes the mickey out of me and picks at me...but at the same time as me knowing that he's probably just messing about (and the fact that he often ends by making sure I know he's not being serious)...he's at least being honest....and that's missing in so many areas of my life...

I might regret posting this, I might not, but I do know that there's a part of me that feels better for getting it down on paper (well, screen) and there for everybody to see. So here you go people: I'm horribly insecure and even though I pretend everything's alright, it usually and almost always isn't.

Besos ♥
Rachel