The Balance

There's a lot on my mind at the moment. I guess it might have something to do with the fact that I've officially broken up for the summer. I like being on a schedule and college holidays generally mess that up completely, so I think it feels a little weird knowing I don't have anything to stick to for what feels like a long time.

One of the biggest things on my mind is something I thought I'd forgotten about and managed to get over by now. But then, suddenly I'm thinking about it again and I'm not so sure anymore. It's probably my own fault for ending up in a conversation in which I got myself into a position where I had to mention it. This one situation, combined with some 'news' that I found out a few days ago, makes for some interesting thinking. Basically, both myself and somebody that I really do not get along with have both been invited to the same party. In fact, there's a strong chance that person will secretly be stalking my blog... Anyway, part of me is totally fine with that - it's not my party and this person is friends with the person hosting it, it's their choice who they invite - but then another side of me is already nervous about the prospect of being in a confined space with said person. I suppose that while the events that have preceeded this predicament have been partially forgiven, they haven't been forgotten. In fact, I can remember them vividly. 

Maybe it's because I never really had an opportunity to discuss what happened and deal with it. I was in counselling at college at the time but it happened during the two days before the Christmas holidays and by the time my next appointment came I was too busy with revision and exam stress to put myself through bringing all of it back into my mind. So, it's currently somewhere inside my head just lurking and making rare appearances when I could really do with it staying put. 

And that is the point, how do I find the balance between accepting it and being completely fine with it. I mean, I've accepted that this situation has happened and that, unfortunately, we have mutual friends and our paths will occasionally cross. But, I'm not fine with that concept at all. In fact, I feel physically sick just thinking about it.

Maybe I'm being a bit dramatic, but there's no way I can accurately paint the picture for anyone to understand why. Hyperventilating on the kitchen floor while your parents call the police...feeling completely helpless when your tutor tells you ''it's not a college issue''...being driven to college by your dad because you're terrified of being on the same bus as certain people... Perhaps the worst part at the moment is knowing that I can't talk to anybody about it until after this party we've both been invited to, realistically. So in the meantime? I really don't know...

Besos ♥ 
Rachel