I've even changed my second TYSIC (click here if you don't get what that means) from ''have more optimism'' to ''be positive''. Let's face it, saying I needed ''more optimism'' implied that I had it in the first place, and I didn't. So, I've stuck it in the imperative and simplified it as much as possible. I have my positivty challenge, and am already repeating it to myself at least hourly.
Be positive.
The TYSIC is something that a lot of people have probably now abandoned, and most of my updates from the past year have been pretty negative - thus defeating the whole objective. For example...
"Stressing about (ironically) the Psychology test on stress"
"STRESSING...That sums my life and TYSICs up very accurately."
"Going horribly due to bitchy girl in media"
"Somebody who I despise with a passion thinks she's funny and is trying to cyber bully me."Be positive.
Today I was faced with a pretty rubbish situation (my college is great at welcoming us back, you know) - oh no, I thought I could at least get through the week without wanting to scream at someone.
Basically, a member of staff lied to the Amnesty Group about getting a budget - the lie is one thing we're currently unsure of, but there was one. It could have been:
a) You have a budget this year;
b) You're getting a budget again next year;
c) There is no money for a budget;
or d) You never had a budget in the first place.
Either way, I know what was said and I know that the same person saying we didn't, also told me that we did, many times. If there's no money at all, that's fine, but implying that I'm stupid for ''thinking we did'' doesn't solve anything, it just digs deeper into my insecurities.
Be positive.
Anyway, I came away from that conversation shaking. I thoroughly despise adults who try and assert themselves by making you feel like a small child who has done something wrong. I could've, if I'd thought about it too much, cried. Instead, I told the member of staff who's in charge of us all, told Jade (the VP) and then talked to Zoe for a while before my mum picked me up. I stayed away from indulging my angry side in repeated conversations about how thoroughly annoyed I was. I repeated ''be positive'' to myself over and over and got on with my English/Psychology work.
I wanted to cry, I wanted to go running to Alison (the member of staff in charge of us all) and tell her how upsetting it was to be talked to in the manner I was. I didn't. It's not worth it. The member of staff who upset me probably didn't even realise how she was coming across - she's not a teacher and doesn't deal with anything related to student welfare in college. She was, apparently, ''very busy'' at the time which may explain a little of it. I was also busy, busy trying not to cry. But anyway...
Here's what I've realised: when college tell you that ''the first few weeks are VITAL'', they're not lying. They're not just trying to sound good or like they know what they're talking about...because they do know what they're talking about. Last year, I was upset in the first few weeks because I wasn't strong enough to deal with things, was used to the support of an amazing tutor, and had never been in such an overwhelming social environment. This year, I know what I can do, and what I need to do; I have friends who I love dearly and I have new friends that I am excited to get to know better; I have focus and I am NOT going to let myself slip back into what I can only describe as depression*.
Be positive.
From now on, I am:
- Going to write honestly about how the whole ''try and be positive'' thing is going;
- Going to appreciate the small things;
- Going to look for the little things that make it all worth it;
- Going to prove everybody wrong;
- Going to live.
Besos ♥
Rachel
* I say depression because a) after studying it a little in Psychology, I'm genuinely sure that's what it was and b) my mum also thinks it was
"Renacerás, no esperes más. Ahora, es el momento." - Ricky Martin - Te Vas (cringeworthy song, good motivation)
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