The Truth

I was given the opportunity to be honest several times tonight and something inside me has just woken up.


College forced me to be positive. It forced me to start looking for the littlest things in my day and start appreciating them. I LOVE that I do that now, and it does make me happier. I don't doubt that. 


But you know what? There was once a time when I didn't need to force that. There was once a time when I could sit in a room and just cry for hours and there would be somebody there for me. The emotional wounds of failed friendships, unfair words and harsh realities were delicately covered with a bandage and checked up on regularly. I used to have certain people behind me, backing me all the way.

Not anymore.


But do you want to know something else? Somebody doesn't need to be there all day, all week, all month or all year to be there. The knowledge that somebody does care and does still want to know all about your life is so powerful. 

Wound-caring has become casual conversation. It has become honesty, transparency, reality. It has meant that tonight I listened to one the people I admire most in the world tell me things that nobody else would dare say about somebody I'm expected to respect. It meant that tonight, I also listened to one of the other people I admire most just take an interest and be interested.


Time and distance are never going to not be hard. Life is still going to be difficult when it feels like there's nobody. The difference now is that I know there are people who have given me the skills to move forward. And even though it's tough, it only hurts because of how blessed I was to have such incredible people in my life. I can't really complain about that, can I?...


Besos ♥ 
Rachel  

Are you working yet, Blogspot?

Fingers crossed this will actually post. I spent ages last time writing and it wouldn't publish or save. Grr.


Anyway, tomorrow I've been asked to go into school (as in Crofton, not college) and help out with the open evening World Challenge stall. Obviously, I said yes. I'm excited to go back and see people but nervous at the same time - at the moment I only have teachers who I don't know surrounding me so it'll be so strange to see the ones who do know me...or knew me...whichever.

Speaking of, I saw my old Spanish teacher today. He always picks his kids up from a school in the village and I've seen him about once or twice before, we actually stopped to talk today. I told him I was studying Spanish and his reaction made me smile. He also told me to ''just get out there'' (there = Spain). I'm using that encounter as preparation for tomorrow evening, haha. It all made me smile though, and it was nice to see him again - when I think waaaay back, his teaching was the reason I loved Spanish so much and that love is still there now. It turns out that he finished writing his book yesterday. What is it with teachers leaving education to write books?...I wouldn't be shocked if my life turned out to be similar, though :-)


So, excited-nervous for tomorrow evening. Most of today was so messed up - I told my new tutor about an incident in English, nearly cried in Spanish because Ester was just patronising me, nearly cried in English because of Spanish and my feeling of dread towards the lesson, then nearly cried outside the Amnesty meeting. I then nearly cried again when all of my friends just ditched me in our free after lunch. Oh dear. I'm not sure I even want to be reminded of how good things used to be tomorrow - it's been a while since I've had someone to turn to. On one hand, it's going to be tough because I'll be there to help sell the school even though I feel rubbish, but on the other I'm proud to have been asked to go back and help out. 


I think I mainly need some proper sleep. I haven't slept well this week AT ALL so I'm just constantly wandering around in an odd state...

Oh, and it's Jade's birthday tomorrow, so I must be cheery for Psychology ;-)


Besos ♥ 
Rachel  

Being the Poppy

Choir started last Friday, so today was our second week. It's weird so far, Poppy and Jasmine have left, so there's only me and Chloe from the old choir who have been turning up. Today, I ended up talking a lot with Heather, who went to my primary and high schools, but who I never really talked to at all until today. Then this evening I realised something...

When I joined choir, Poppy was the cool Y13 I made friends with, she was my choir buddy etc and I guess in a way, I kind of looked up to her - she's always happy, never seems to have problems, she's lovely and awesome in every way and beyond funny. She was one of the few Y13 students in choir.


This year, I'm in Poppy's position. Only, obviously, I'm pretty much never happy, I always have problems, and according to many people I'm not lovely or awesome in any way, and I'm not funny. So y'know, I'm Poppy but I'm not...


What I mean is that I'm the one advising the Y13s on how college life really is. Last year, that was Poppy. The fire alarm went off at the end of rehearsal (it was the B block staffroom toaster...again...) and we all made our way down to the field. I walked with Heather and Chloe. Heather quizzed us on where we had to go for a fire and how the procedure works, we told her...and then also told her that it was probably B block again (obviously, we were correct :P)

I seem to have grown up more than I realised over the summer. I actually got angry with some boys who found a CHS/CA planner outside school/our bus stop a few mornings ago because they didn't do the responsible thing and hand it in. I was very close to actually taking it and handing it in myself, but one of them put it in his bag. This morning, he'd stuck graffiti all over it and ''was scared to hand it in''. I despaired. 


In the SOS meeting this morning, when Kristy gave us a little bullying statistic about how many incidents of bullying have already been reported since the start of term, I felt responsible for helping to protect those people. Why? Because that's what the whole SOS team signed up for - we had a lengthy conversation about our own bullying experiences and we realised that we had that one thing in common. Sad, but true.


I don't even know where I'm going with any of this, so I'm going to sign off now before it gets even messier...

Besos ♥ 
Rachel 

Catching Up

OK...so I turned 18 on Sunday. Overall, I had a lovely birthday and appreciate all of the small touches people did for me SO much. Here are a few pics of the day itself and from the last few days - having an iPhone means I can take pictures so much more frequently ;)

Cake time :-)

Cannot lie, I spent about an hour and a half at the Urban Decay counter in Debenhams...

Getting ready to go out

My mum and I at Bella Italia

Bruschetta. Well, bread and salad.

A waiter brought me over some balloons, my dad's response was "you've pulled". Er, thanks dad...

Showing Fern the cool camera feature

Fern liked the fan Aiden bought me

Today

The G Blockers

Spending quality time with Miss Duddy :-)

This week is assessment week, so everything it a little bit mental. I literally haven't had a second to blog until now, and even now I should probably be getting my English Language essay prepared and started. I just needed some time out from everything.

I met up with Jess this morning to do some Psychology revision in the LRC and spent lunchtime working on the magazine with Sophie. Tomorrow is our first Amnesty meeting of the year and the meeting I'm counting as mine and Jade's first proper meeting as President and Vice President of the group. Thursday is magazine day, Friday is choir. I'm so tired...

Need half term to come around already...

Besos ♥ 
Rachel 

Hiding

If you've come here looking for a message or a lesson or something uplifting today, you are, unfortunately, out of luck. As am I.

I hoped that by the time year thirteen came around, people would have grown up a little, I really did. But, no, it seems they really haven't.

In short, there's a group of people in my English class who a) don't know me...none of them know me or know anything about me and b) all sit together. In yesterday's lesson, they all decided it was clearly the best option to randomly talk about me - while the teacher was teaching the lesson, this is. Not even just talking about me, though. Oh no, these clearly so immature girls also thought throwing paper at me was a good idea. What even?... It's not even insulting, it's just weird. 

But this has made me think, because at the end of year twelve, college made some of us write letters to go in the prospectus about college life. There was a prize and the winner's letter got published. I won. Which is all well and good, but the teacher who told me also said that it's ''going to get announced to all of college''. Great. Because it's not like I was already viewed as the college geek... So as the title indicates, I may have to spend a little time hiding...

I don't know...maybe I just live that stereotype? I am more than a bit sick of it though...

Oh, and to the pathetic girl stalking me on Twitter - life's a lot better when you get one of your own.

Besos ♥ 
Rachel 

Party day :)

I really don't have time to blog tonight, but I fear that if I don't, it'll be next Sunday before I find the time. Last night was my 18th party and it was such a good night. Well, excluding the fact that one of my 'friends' tried to abduct another of my friends...and the fact that it all ended with the fire alarm randomly starting up and refusing to go off. Other than that? All good :)

There are so many random, little things that stood out for me - Poppy's 'purple shoes' drawing; Jess' ridiculously wonderful gift box (seriously, talk about being good at buying presents for people) and the sweet message she wrote for me; Amy and George's protectiveness when two randomers showed up; Amy's reaction to the 'friend' and his...antics...; Danny, Eliza and Amy's song dedications (couldn't have been more random); and many more things. Jade definitely won the award for the most energetic dancing, followed closely by my auntie - they even danced together at one point, and Jess turned to me and went ''who are we dancing with?"

Some pictures...

Stolen from Jess. L to R - Keyana, Poppy, Natalie, Katie, Sarah, Eliza, me, Rachel, Amy, Jess, Jade, Sophie, Joe

Stolen from Jess (and not as posed as it looks). L to R - Rachel, me, Jade, Sophie

Cake + balloons

The relatives rather enjoying themselves

The cake

The only decent picture of Rachel, myself, and Fern. Luckily, quite a nice one too.

Myself and Jess

And now I really must return to my world of Psychology revision, surprise Spanish research and feeling rubbish because it's over. Ha. 

Thank you to everybody (almost everybody...) who came. You really have no idea quite how much it meant to have my best friends and family all in one room. All of the stress over planning, prising people away from people they shouldn't have been touching and near fire was absolutely worth it to see everybody smiling and just enjoying themselves - so thank you, and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did ♥

Besos ♥ 
Rachel

Late night musings

As I begin typing, it is 00:16am, Saturday 10th September (mainly referred to as 'Party Day' in my household). In approximately 13 hours, I'm going to pick Rachel up from the train station. In fact, if her train isn't late, in 13 hours I will be with her. I don't even know where the train's coming from, I think she has to change at Sheffield possibly? It's Melton, Leicester, Derby, and after that I don't know. Anyway, as I just told Facebook (mainly because she will probably read it), I'm ridiculously excited to see her again. I'm also ridiculously nervous, because it has been four years. But still... :D

My half cousin also posted on Facebook ''bring on tomorrow night'' before midnight, and it made me smile to know that she's looking forward to it. Another relative has even booked Sunday off work because, in my grandma's words, he wants to enjoy it. Haha. 

I get to see some of the Doncaster relatives tomorrow, and I'm ridiculously excited about that too. Fern has already told me that she wants to meet my great auntie Helen because I described her, quite simply, as one of those people that is just truly lovely. And she is.

Family is such an odd thing. In the past month or so, I've really found myself appreciating the family I still have - most probably because of things that have happened recently, but also because there some people who I feel honoured to know. I really want them all to enjoy themselves this evening, because it means something to see them happy. 

Today was, by college standards, rather average. I had a free period first and used it to, shock horror (given my lack of time), continue re-reading Eleven. I was telling somebody yesterday that I ''never have time to read :('' and realised that there was no reason why I couldn't in my free...so I did. I also read during my free after lunch, although it was frequently interrupted by Sarah yelling ''NOOOOO, BIG ONION!" at the Shrek game on my iPod. All was forgiven when she 'spilled' the gossip she had ;)

Still no further in dealing with the budget issue of yesterday. Have refused to go back and try speaking to the same woman because I'm not in the mood to just be shouted at again. Moving on...

I had so many things that I wanted to write about today - the walk home from the bus stop was spent planning my next post, and then I couldn't breathe properly (that was fun...) and ended up driving to pick my mum up, so I completely forgot it all. But, I'm sure I'll have plenty to talk about over the weekend ;) :)


PS: Am still reminding myself to be positive and still succeeding. Didn't even get annoyed at the girl in my English class saying she ''wanted to commit suicide'' because the teacher told her to stop talking when he was. People like that do wind me up, though. 

Besos ♥ 
Rachel

Positivity Challenge - Balancing the storm with the calm

I wasn't sure if I was serious about posting properly about the positivity challenge I've set myself, but I've been re-reading all of my past posts (which I wouldn't recommend you do all in one go, they all make for a pretty depressing read really) and the negativity in them has inspired me. Plus, I have something to report back on.

I've even changed my second TYSIC (click here if you don't get what that means) from ''have more optimism'' to ''be positive''. Let's face it, saying I needed ''more optimism'' implied that I had it in the first place, and I didn't. So, I've stuck it in the imperative and simplified it as much as possible. I have my positivty challenge, and am already repeating it to myself at least hourly.

Be positive.

The TYSIC is something that a lot of people have probably now abandoned, and most of my updates from the past year have been pretty negative - thus defeating the whole objective. For example...

"Stressing about (ironically) the Psychology test on stress"

"STRESSING...That sums my life and TYSICs up very accurately."

"Going horribly due to bitchy girl in media"

"Somebody who I despise with a passion thinks she's funny and is trying to cyber bully me."

Be positive.

Today I was faced with a pretty rubbish situation (my college is great at welcoming us back, you know) - oh no, I thought I could at least get through the week without wanting to scream at someone. 

Basically, a member of staff lied to the Amnesty Group about getting a budget - the lie is one thing we're currently unsure of, but there was one. It could have been:
a) You have a budget this year;
b) You're getting a budget again next year;
c) There is no money for a budget;
or d) You never had a budget in the first place.
Either way, I know what was said and I know that the same person saying we didn't, also told me that we did, many times. If there's no money at all, that's fine, but implying that I'm stupid for ''thinking we did'' doesn't solve anything, it just digs deeper into my insecurities. 

Be positive.

Anyway, I came away from that conversation shaking. I thoroughly despise adults who try and assert themselves by making you feel like a small child who has done something wrong. I could've, if I'd thought about it too much, cried. Instead, I told the member of staff who's in charge of us all, told Jade (the VP) and then talked to Zoe for a while before my mum picked me up. I stayed away from indulging my angry side in repeated conversations about how thoroughly annoyed I was. I repeated ''be positive'' to myself over and over and got on with my English/Psychology work. 

I wanted to cry, I wanted to go running to Alison (the member of staff in charge of us all) and tell her how upsetting it was to be talked to in the manner I was. I didn't. It's not worth it. The member of staff who upset me probably didn't even realise how she was coming across - she's not a teacher and doesn't deal with anything related to student welfare in college. She was, apparently, ''very busy'' at the time which may explain a little of it. I was also busy, busy trying not to cry. But anyway...

Here's what I've realised: when college tell you that ''the first few weeks are VITAL'', they're not lying. They're not just trying to sound good or like they know what they're talking about...because they do know what they're talking about. Last year, I was upset in the first few weeks because I wasn't strong enough to deal with things, was used to the support of an amazing tutor, and had never been in such an overwhelming social environment. This year, I know what I can do, and what I need to do; I have friends who I love dearly and I have new friends that I am excited to get to know better; I have focus and I am NOT going to let myself slip back into what I can only describe as depression*.


Be positive.

From now on, I am:
- Going to write honestly about how the whole ''try and be positive'' thing is going;
- Going to appreciate the small things;
- Going to look for the little things that make it all worth it;
- Going to prove everybody wrong;
- Going to live.


Besos ♥ 
Rachel

* I say depression because a) after studying it a little in Psychology, I'm genuinely sure that's what it was and b) my mum also thinks it was

"Renacerás, no esperes más. Ahora, es el momento." - Ricky Martin - Te Vas (cringeworthy song, good motivation)

Please would the person making the mess tidy it up next time?

You know when you get a spare half hour or so and think ''oh, I'll go and sort that thing out''? I had that moment this morning. 

Oh, I wasn't expecting that...

If you can't tell, that is my desk. My perfectly tidy, cute little desk. The cleaners clearly did a great job over the summer. There were things there that didn't even belong to us, so that was interesting. Even worse, the cleaners left the bin on my desk. Who does that?! Bins go on the floor for a reason, not on a surface used for working on. My OCD side had a field day with the mess in there. Eliza and I basically just threw everything in the corner and on the floor and then I made my desk look...normal...again and left. 

Ahhh, much better ;) Although, if any of the Geography staff start leaving stuff on there, words will be had. The one thing I cannot stand is when people mess up my stuff. Grrr. Anyway, once we'd got over the horror of how messy it was, it was all quite amusing. But, with the Geography staff in there now too, it's very claustrophobic. The office is smaller than you'd imagine a small spare room to be, so it's going to be interesting. Oh, and one of the staff decided he needed to store the following in the office...

Very odd/intriguing. The member of staff these random tubs belong to also happens to be my EP teacher. Fun times...

When I wasn't tidying throwing things on the floor, I was in lessons. I'm actually quite happy with my new timetable. I get Wednesday and Thursday afternoons off :) I had Spanish P2 today and our new class is already miles better than last year's - we all got along well today and it was just nice for once :) I also had English Language, and I don't really know anyone in there, so Chloe from Spanish came and sat with me. It's nice getting to know new people.

It's only the first week, but I can already see myself living in the language lab for the year, which is totally fine with me. I was in there alone with my teacher this afternoon working on some translations and it was good to be able to get help when necessary. 


Oh, and my new tutor is actually a different teacher now, but it's all good because he's the one who sorted out all the rubbish before Christmas and, when I told him he was my tutor, he sort of went ''waaaaaaaaay'' and seemed rather...happy? He's a languages teacher though, so the personal statement writing may be a bit smoother than anticipated. 


Positivity challenge: Going rather well thus far, managed to get through the office situation without any problems, there's only one thing bothering me and it's been ongoing for about a year really. Maybe it's one of those things I can't do anything about? Hmm...


Besos ♥ 
Rachel

Back to College

If I've already posted under this title, and Blogger suggests I have, I apologise. It's about as accurate as it gets right now, though.

I found out my classes and timetable today - Wednesday and Thursday afternoons off. Not bad :-) I also have seven frees with Fern, also not bad. 

I realllly wasn't looking forward to going back to college. I actually felt physically sick at the thought of having a tutor I didn't know, knowing nobody in my classes etc. Last year's timetable was a) awful and b) depressing - I didn't know anybody in my form or Media class, I knew two people in Psychology, two people in Spanish and two people in English. This year I have friends in my classes :O Except English, but I'm not too bothered, there are two people I know from school and Stevan from Poland, so I'll just tag along somewhere. I can tease Stevan about his hats again...

It's nice to feel positive about college again, you know, after a year of hating the place. My one main goal for this year is to remain positive. I plan on using my TYSICs to remind me of this goal, I know I'll lose the will to even try many times, so I'll need reminders, haha.

However, I KNOW the bus will be awful tomorrow morning, so I'm going to need that positivity first thing tomorrow. Fun stuff.

Oh, and my EP teacher is also one of the two teachers I now have to share an office with. Yay...

Besos ♥ 
Rachel

One With Purity

I clearly need to find something to occupy my free time with, because this evening has mainly been spent researching my name. My mum and I somehow ended up discussing yesterday evening what my name looks like in Hebrew. Yeah, we live very sheltered lives...

Anyway, I've always known two things about my name:
1) It is a Hebrew/biblical name
2) It means 'ewe' (female sheep)
I've always jokingly told people that obviously with a name that means that, I was always going to be a little bit odd. 

According to Wikipedia, my name can also mean ''one with purity'', which is a much nicer meaning. My middle name, Elizabeth, means ''God's promise'' or ''God is my oath''. I find it a little odd how my parents have given me names with such strong religious connotations when nobody in my immediate family would consider themselves very religious. Even my surname has religious connotations, something that I have only just realised (no, this won't make sense unless a) I know you or b) you follow me on Twitter). 

I quite like my name in the Hebrew alphabet. It's simple and easy to remember.

"רחל"

The word in Hebrew starts at the end of the name, so it reads 'lhr'. It misses out the a, c and e, no idea why. Perhaps it's how it's pronounced? The letters are, in order from left to right:
Lamed - ל
Het - ח
Resh -  ר

Could I be anymore of a geek? As a linguist (OK, so not really, but it sounds cool so we'll go with it), I'm actually fascinated. I don't have any foreign ancestry (that I, or anybody in my family, know of), so I actually love the fact that my name can be written in another alphabet and everything. 

I also find names in general fascinating. I don't know whether it was intentional or not, but my mum's name (Susan) means ''lily''. Lily is my grandma's name (her mum). Me and my brother both have names that end in 'el', although I'm pretty sure this was just coincidence because when I've asked my parents how we ended up being named, I was told ''we just liked them''. 

I think as far as randomess in blog posts goes, this is pretty random. I just thought it was interesting, haha :)

Besos ♥ 
Rachel 

Keep your eyes wide open

Isn't it easy to miss things? The past few weeks have been so intense it's been difficult to think straight, let alone see the things I think I was maybe supposed to see.

Of course, it's natural to think negatively when in a situation that is negative. Or should I say, it's natural to not think positively in a negative situation? Either way, there's the same difference. 

Somehow, and I have no idea how, I ended up listening to this song last night... 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LP346UnjC_w

The lyric ''keep your eyes wide open'' caught me. If your eyes are closed to the world, you miss out on so much. This is how I have been thinking, and how I should be thinking...


"They won't talk to us"
"This is an opportunity to focus my efforts on other relationships"

"I now have two less days to edit the magazine, sort out the office and get my personal statement sorted"
"I get to spend an afternoon with Eliza, and possibly Fern, without the worry of college"

"They still haven't found us office space, how are we supposed to help people and do peer counselling without a room to do it in?"
"This is teaching us patience and giving us more time to organise how we want to proceed with our plans"

"You're not coming anymore so it will be rubbish"
"Everybody else that I love will still be there"

"Everything is falling apart"
"I'm being given a chance to learn and grow as a person"

Bizarrely, the concept of opening your eyes to the small things in life was introduced to me by the comedian Adam Hills in his Characterful and Joymonger DVD. He talks about wanting to teach his Godson certain things, and the whole DVD is a cleverly masked commentary on how sometimes, it's better to just laugh at something than get wound up about it. 

I really need to start being that person - the one that's standing there laughing while everybody else is angry. Life's too short to hang around being annoyed for no real reason. Wouldn't it be lovely just just not be bothered? To just go with it?

I feel almost as if the past few weeks have been preparing me to go back to college (which is now Wednesday instead of Monday) - I can't even put into words how sad, angry and upset I felt all the way through year 12, but I know that I don't want year 13 to be the same. 

This is our last year together as we are. My group of friends has been largely unaffected by leaving school and starting college - minus 3 people, we're all exactly the same, and we actually have more people around us now than we did in school. Why haven't I been thankful for that? Losing 3 people from our 'Lunch Bunch' has ultimately meant that weak friendships we had with others are now stronger. I still don't even know how one of our friends stumbled into the middle of our little group, but we all welcomed her with open arms and it's like she's been there all along. We have somewhere to go, we have people who care about us, and we have our memories - why haven't I focused my attention on that? 

I hated college all year, but there are so many things I wish I'd opened my eyes to sooner. If I hadn't gone to college, I'd never have met Poppy, and we'd never have stood at the front of a church laughing at the Vice Principal's inability to take pictures. I'd never have met Sophie, and we'd never have gone to Linguastars and had the best two days of the whole college year. I'd never have gone to Poland and not only experienced one of the most surreal things I can think of, but I'd also never have grown closer to Jade, got to know Jess or remembered who I really am.

It's time to refocus and keep remembering who I really am. We have one year left to just be until it gets really hard. Let's make the most of it.

"And now, with the lights turned down and your eyes half open, I know you don't see me. When I'm standing out, if you just turn around and keep your eyes wide open, I know you might feel me here."

          

La Noche

It's 00:29am as I begin writing this. I should be in bed, asleep, but I'm not. Seeing Eliza, Jess and Sophie all in one day has sent my brain into overdrive. I'm not used to seeing...people. I'm having to stop myself tweeting everything that pops into my head so I thought I'd retreat over here to ramble a bit.

I learnt an important lesson yesterday - it's OK to be mad at someone, as long as you don't let it overcome you. For a brief time yesterday, I was really mad at somebody (who will probably read this, to be honest) for disappointing me, but today I'm not mad anymore. As Chuck said on Pushing Daisies (well, I'm paraphrasing), sometimes you need to hate somebody before you can like them again. Only with me, it wasn't hate, it was just ''annoyed with''. 

I'm back at college on Monday (did I mention I hate that place?) and thoroughly dreading it. I wrote my article on 'How to Survive NCP' this evening, it was almost as false as the letter I wrote on our unexpected CoPE day to ''sell college to the potential new Y12s''. I actually said ''don't give up...you can do it'' - if somebody has to say that about a college, it's not good...

I also spent about an hour and a half just driving about today. When I pass my test, I can already see myself just driving around for no real reason, just because it feels like I'm actually going somewhere. Well, technically I am, but y'know...

And now I really should go to bed, so buenas noches :)

Besos ♥ 
Rachel