Leave me alone

Have you ever wanted to just scream that at a person? I have. I do now.

I don't understand why some people have to be so pathetic and bitchy and get involved in other people's lives, and keep up with it for ridiculously long periods of time. I just want to tell several people the following:

"I've kept out of your way for a long time now, deliberately, because neither of us need the trouble. I've been nothing but civil to you even when you try and make me feel like the worst person in the world for absolutely no reason, I've even helped you with things despite us not getting along at all, and yet still, for some reason, you think it's OK to involve yourself in my life."

"You always go on about how you don't judge your friends, how you're thankful for your friends, etc etc. And yet you go around making people feel like they can't speak to you, and you don't even leave it there, you go around telling people things about me. And pretend that you don't because it's obvious."

"And all of you, why can't you just get on with your own lives without making anybody not in your stupid little 'gang' feel threatened and targeted by you? There might be 'safety in numbers' but when you're all as horrible to people as you are, then what's the point in any of it? Why can't any of you just have a tiny little bit of compassion for others, people who are living in horrible conditions and in places that offer them terrible lives? Why can't you just grow up a bit? We can't all act like pathetic little school children any more..."

It just feels like there's no end to any of it, and I don't know what to do. I've been to counselling, and for a while things were good, they were better and my head was clear. And then things were so good that it was decided I didn't need counselling any more. And it's like the moment I decided that, everybody somehow knew about it and started up doing and saying things again. I've never been able to trust people very easily, and it's like every person I place even a bit of trust in breaks that trust. I'm sick and tired of being taken advantage of and used by people that are supposed to be my friends, people that I thought weren't 'like the others always were'. 

I just want to go and hide somewhere and not leave that place ever again. Just the thought of college on Monday makes me feel physically sick and the thought of seeing certain people does the same. I don't know what to do and I can't even pretend that I'm coping with it all, because I'm not. I'm not and I'm fed up of feeling like I have to, like it's just something that I have to deal with, because nobody should have to deal with something for so long and it never show signs of stopping. 


Besos ♥
Rachel